President Bush announced today that the United States is “so totally broke.” “The disaster relief efforts, combined with our current economic slowdown and the tax cut, have run through our entire budget,” said Bush with a resigned shrug, sporting a … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Insignificant Life Now Self-Consciously Insignificant
Student Kevin Petit, 22, had always led a shallow, empty life devoid of any true pleasures, notable accomplishments, spiritually fulfilling experiences, or emotionally meaningful interpersonal relationships. Since September 11, however, the crushing emptiness of Petit’s life has become more painfully … Read More
Justice League Offers Support to U.S.
In a unanimous vote, Green Lantern, Superman, Batman, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Plastic Man, Flash, and Aquaman have decided to offer support to the U.S. effort to combat global terrorism. “We helped rebuild Metropolis from rubble when it was destroyed, … Read More
Business Owners Proudly Display Flags
Around the U.S., business owners with physical characteristics reflecting possible Middle-Eastern heritage have proudly begun hanging their American flags in storefront windows. “To us, the American flag symbolizes our freedom, and no one can take it from us,” said San … Read More
Cookie Monster’s Shocking Secret Revealed
Sophomore Tim Braches woke up late one morning and watched a delightful episode of the children’s favorite, Sesame Street. Moments later, Braches was brought to hysteric tears upon discovering the fact that his favorite character, Cookie Monster, didn’t really have … Read More
FAA Presents New Flight Safety Regulation
As part of increased security measures in the wake of last month’s terrorist attacks, the FAA announced today that Wesley Snipes will be placed aboard all transcontinental flights.
“We think Wesley’s brand of street smart athleticism and good humor will … Read More
Nightlife Environmentally Safe
Clubber Hugo Siriani disturbed patrons of a southern Florida dance club last week when he entered a club wearing vinyl pants and a fishnet shirt. Siriani had been spotted throughout the week sporting the revealing white fishnet shirt over his … Read More
BAM Hosts Georgia O’Keeffe Exhibit
The Berkeley Art Museum hosted an exhibit by famed floral painter Georgia O’Keeffe, much to the delight of many patrons.
“It was amazing,” said musem goer Lance McCrory. “Her work is so realistic. I felt like I was walking through … Read More
World Wars “Always Planned as Trilogy”
According to Internet fansites, the U.S. is reportedly in talks with the U.N. trying to generate interest in a third installment of the popular “World War” franchise. “World War I and World War II were far and away the best … Read More
Chandra Levy Status Upgraded from “Missing” to “So Dead Already”
Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even … Read More
