Sophomore Tim Braches woke up late one morning and watched a delightful episode of the children’s favorite, Sesame Street. Moments later, Braches was brought to hysteric tears upon discovering the fact that his favorite character, Cookie Monster, didn’t really have … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
FAA Presents New Flight Safety Regulation
As part of increased security measures in the wake of last month’s terrorist attacks, the FAA announced today that Wesley Snipes will be placed aboard all transcontinental flights.
“We think Wesley’s brand of street smart athleticism and good humor will … Read More
All-Purpose Protest Movement Planned
Various factions of Berkeley protestors have banded together to combine their respective causes under the blanket “Anti-War” banner in an all-purpose protest movement that promises to attract far more attention than any one group could muster on its own.
“For … Read More
Asians Fight For Reputation
A recent study by Asian-Americans for a Yellow America, or AAYA (pronounced ai-yah), an Asian watchdog group, reveals that long-held opinions about Asian men being submissive, feminine, poorly equipped, and “trying too hard to be cool” are on the decline.… Read More
U.S. So Totally, Totally Out of Money
President Bush announced today that the United States is “so totally broke.” “The disaster relief efforts, combined with our current economic slowdown and the tax cut, have run through our entire budget,” said Bush with a resigned shrug, sporting a … Read More
Insignificant Life Now Self-Consciously Insignificant
Student Kevin Petit, 22, had always led a shallow, empty life devoid of any true pleasures, notable accomplishments, spiritually fulfilling experiences, or emotionally meaningful interpersonal relationships. Since September 11, however, the crushing emptiness of Petit’s life has become more painfully … Read More
Nightlife Environmentally Safe
Clubber Hugo Siriani disturbed patrons of a southern Florida dance club last week when he entered a club wearing vinyl pants and a fishnet shirt. Siriani had been spotted throughout the week sporting the revealing white fishnet shirt over his … Read More
BAM Hosts Georgia O’Keeffe Exhibit
The Berkeley Art Museum hosted an exhibit by famed floral painter Georgia O’Keeffe, much to the delight of many patrons.
“It was amazing,” said musem goer Lance McCrory. “Her work is so realistic. I felt like I was walking through … Read More
World Wars “Always Planned as Trilogy”
According to Internet fansites, the U.S. is reportedly in talks with the U.N. trying to generate interest in a third installment of the popular “World War” franchise. “World War I and World War II were far and away the best … Read More
Chandra Levy Status Upgraded from “Missing” to “So Dead Already”
Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even … Read More
