UC Berkeley sophomore Daniel Johnson described himself as being “really creeped out” after happening to run across a recent poster of popular teenage actresses Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. The poster featuring the two pixies who costarred with funnyman Bob … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Bad Dreams Afoot
A left foot fell asleep after a few minutes resting in an awkward position beneath the right lower thigh. The foot reveled in dreams of being the right foot, kicking soccer balls, taking the first step, and fondling other naked … Read More
Afghans Inadvertently Observe Ramadan
Clerics in Kabul report that nearly 100% of the citizens of Afghanistan are strictly observing the fast of Ramadan. The ninth month of the Muslim calendar, Ramadan is the time in which Muslims fast during daylight hours. Afghan citizens have … Read More
Flag Count Dangerously Low, Warns Pentagon
According to a recent study conducted by the Pentagon, the number of American flags currently displayed in the United States is “dangerously” low. The 42 page report indicated that only 37% of all households and 56% of all businesses have … Read More
Mayfield Cougars Locke Down Victory
High School sophomore Chester Locke (5’2″ 173 lbs) made an appearance for the Mayfield Cougars in the final 27 seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday’s basketball game. With a 24 point cushion, Coach George Elders substituted the chubby Chester … Read More
Amazon.com Wanted for Anthrax Mailing
Internet retail giant Amazon.com is wanted for questioning regarding the shipping of Anthrax through the mail, the FBI reported. Suspicions first arose last week when New York resident Tim Duggins was heard softly singing the lyrics to the thrash metal … Read More
Olympic Hopes Dashed
Citizens of Kabul, Afghanistan were disheartened, yet again, upon learning they are not contenders to host the 2012 Olympics. The Olympic committee determined the facilities and citizens of Kabul could not possibly accommodate the needs of the summer games.
“We … Read More
Teachers Not Artists, Study Finds
In a study by the Classroom Health and Safety Board, it was discovered that 99.99% of people in front of chalk boards are not artists. The study was conducted by observing teachers and students attempting to draw various shapes, graphs, … Read More
Business Owners Proudly Display Flags
Around the U.S., business owners with physical characteristics reflecting possible Middle-Eastern heritage have proudly begun hanging their American flags in storefront windows. “To us, the American flag symbolizes our freedom, and no one can take it from us,” said San … Read More
Cookie Monster’s Shocking Secret Revealed
Sophomore Tim Braches woke up late one morning and watched a delightful episode of the children’s favorite, Sesame Street. Moments later, Braches was brought to hysteric tears upon discovering the fact that his favorite character, Cookie Monster, didn’t really have … Read More
