Wifebeater Wifebeaten

Police officers were baffled this week upon responding to a report of a domestic dispute at an Oakland home. They arrived to find a man who had been beaten by his wife despite the fact that the man was wearing his favorite large Fruit of the Loom “wifebeater.”

“The classic Fruit of the Loom wifebeater, a favorite among lower-income men with troubled marriages, is the optimal garment for favorite pastimes such as wifebeating,” commented Oakland police officer Lt. Marsh, also a wifebeater historian. “It’s light, thin, and the ingenious sleeveless design does not hamper free movement of the arms while raining down blows. Pure brilliance. I wish I had invented it.”

Widespread confusion over the wifebeater’s ironic failure to deliver were resolved when a “standard” strip search of the woman involved revealed that she was secretly wearing a “husbandbeater” underneath her T-shirt. Hers, unlike her husband’s, was an extra-large. She confirmed that she had purchased the novelty item from an ad in Oprah’s O magazine. Oprah was unavailable to comment, but has pulled the ad from future issues.