Holmoe: “I Have Nothing Left to Prove”

Cal football coach and all around nice guy Tom Holmoe announced his resignation recently at an emotional press conference. “Basically, I’ve accomplished all the goals I had coming into this position. There is nothing left for me to prove here,” said the coaching legend. “I’m a personable, lovable, nice guy. And I’m blonde!”

Athletic director Steve Gladstone, one of many visibly shaken by the sudden decision lamented, “For the last five years, Tom has consistently proven to be one of the nicest guys in college football. Right now, it’s hard to even contemplate finding a coaching candidate as nice as Tom.” However, according to sources close to the athletic department, a list of possible replacements is being made and includes Christopher Reeve, Jimmy Carter, Santa Claus, and Pillsbury Doughboy.

When asked about his retirement plans, Holmoe replied, “Frankly, being a nice guy is a fucking grueling job. Right now I just gotta get as far away from that shit as possible. Tomorrow, I’ll probably beat up some puppies or something. It’s hard to say exactly what I’ll do. Honestly, who knows where nice guys finish?”