Flag Count Dangerously Low, Warns Pentagon

According to a recent study conducted by the Pentagon, the number of American flags currently displayed in the United States is “dangerously” low. The 42 page report indicated that only 37% of all households and 56% of all businesses have flags displayed. “While the number of flags displayed has risen substantially since the September 11th attacks, the country is still not close to a safe level of flag-preparedness,” said Andrew Ogden, the study’s author. “The recent tragedies have shown us just how vulnerable our under-flagged nation was to terrorist attacks. We still have a lot of flags to put up before we can be be sure that we are safe.”

In response to the report, a bill was promptly introduced in Congress to boost the nation’s flag count. If passed, the legislation would direct federal funds to the subsidization of flag production and mandate that every U.S. household display an American flag. According to Representative Beaumont Smith (R, New Hampshire), co-author of the proposal, “the passage of this bill will ensure the safety of our nation and the protection of the freedoms that we as Americans cherish.”

Ogden is currently conducting another study on whether ‘God Bless America’ is sung frequently enough.