Chandra Levy Status Upgraded from “Missing” to “So Dead Already”

Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even in once piece. Heck, what should we do, send out one search party for her head and four more for her limbs? Not to mention the torso.”

Journalists agreed that the announcement was long overdue. “Sure, the ‘missing’ bit let us ride the story a lot longer, like it was still happening,” agreed NBC anchor Tom Brokaw, inexplicably jerking his torso back and forth like a spastic marionette in a bizarre effort to dramatically punctuate his speech. Prouncing his words in inimitable mealy-mouthed Brokaw fashion, he added, “The time has come to just admit it. It’s not like we didn’t know she was dead right from the start.”

Faced with criticisms that any potential culprit will never be brought to justice, FBI spokesmen shrugged, stating, “We’ll just get this Condit guy next time.”