Hard hit by budget cuts, Berkeley’s Integrative Biology department announced the imminent release of their “hive” of genetically- enhanced hyper-intelligent monkeys.
“We would’ve loved to protect our adored super-chimps from these cuts, but in a crisis something had to give,” … Read More
A coalition of fraternity members, hicks, and fundamentalists have joined forces recently to reclaim the word “fag” from homosexuals, whom they say have twisted it’s meaning in recent years.
“Dude, back in the day, before we got the new porch, … Read More
Entering Freshman Joshua Chen, 19, has decided to be really, really Asian at Berkeley, sources say. Chen cited a desire to meet girls and make friends as his main motivations.
Within his first week at Berkeley, Chen attended the first … Read More
Local man Jesse Barone announced his creation of five new stereotypes next week, showcasing his effortless ability to attribute even meaningless characteristics to racial categories.
“I noticed an Indian guy using a power mower, the kind where you sit on … Read More
Biomedical Sciences major Phu Loc Tran returned to his room Thursday evening to find the door bolted shut, presumably by his masturbating roommate. “I was just going to grab my books after dinner and get some studying done, but then … Read More
The University of California, Berkeley’s vestigial health office, the Tang Center, once again distributed a pre-packaged pamphlet in lieu of actual medical assistance Monday, sources said. After hastily scheduling an appointment for a severe sore throat, patient Mart Hokmas was … Read More
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
Yesterday U.S. troops stormed a hostile Iraqi city only to discover that they weren’t even sure where they were.
According to one soldier, “Shit it’s hot. Are we in Kabul or Baghdad? Whatever, let’s get ready to bomb something.”
According … Read More
