Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder-suicide Pact
According to police, it was probably an ongoing relationship of an “intimate and bestial/insectoid nature” between a common honeybee and a Mr. Darrel Motts that led to the deaths of both earlier this week.
“We believe that the frustration of … Read More
Southern California Hit by Reverse Tsunami
According to the National Weather Service, the most recent deluge of storms in Southern California has been officially declared a “reverse tsunami.”
“It’s kinda like a regular tsunami, but
backwards,” chief meteorologist Jason Blake said. “More specifically, it’s like a… Read More
Woman Gets Rare Cancer
Becky Johnson, a photojournalist at the Daily Planet, Metropolis’s biggest newspaper, has been diagnosed with a rare form of independent cancer of both the breasts and the buttocks.
Although usually quite rare, this dual diagnosis has been made on several … Read More
Bush Calls for Draft
In response to the growing violence and anti-American sentiments in Iraq, the conscription of young American men is needed, said a rhododendron on the west side of the UC Berkeley campus.
The bush shouted his right-wing sentiments as loud as … Read More
Man Gradually Replaced by Better Version of Self
The next step in a slowly advancing personal coup took place last Wednesday when Jared Demming’s friends once again invited acquaintance Jeff Dumar over for dinner. Demming, who was neither notified of the event nor welcome to attend it, reportedly … Read More
Middle America Continues to Scald Self
Despite repeated warnings from the East and West Coasts, middle America repeatedly grabbed a piping-hot pot of boiling water on the kitchen stove last Thursday.
“Ouch…sizzle…ahhh!” said Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Wyoming, and Texas.
“Ffffft…ooooch!” later added Nebraska, South … Read More
Massage Therapists Take Legal Action
The “Massage Therapists” Union made “head lines” this week by heavily publicizing its “legal action.” While the specific details of this “legal action” remain unclear, union spokesperson Angelina Silk described it as including anything from “physical evidence” and “oral arguments” … Read More
Almost Straight Man Drives Silver Jetta
The sexual orientation of handsomely disheveled res-comp worker Tom Marcus was called into question this Christmas when he was given a silver Volkswagen Jetta by his parents.
“It’s a really nice car,” said longtime friend Cassie Cho. “Yeah! If I … Read More
Martin Luther King Gets Undeserved Recognition
A recent survey reveals that, in casual speech, the “Jr.” is omitted from the end of “Martin Luther King” 67% of the time. “This not only detracts from Martin Luther King Jr.’s well-deserved recognition, but also gives undo respect to … Read More
