The slump is over for car thieves in the Bay Area, who reportedly attribute their sudden success to a new hip-hop trend known to many as “ghostridin’ the whip.” Popularized by E-40’s song “Tell Me When to Go,” the act … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Unemployment Rate Skyrockets
Caving in to pressure from campus activists, UC-Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau announced yesterday that the campus would no longer use sweatshop labor to make its Cal apparel. The resulting wave of layoffs has led to the highest unemployment rate among … Read More
Bonds Steroid Indictment Stalled
All the members of the grand jury about to indict baseball star Barry Bonds for perjury in relation to the ongoing BALCO steroids investigation have disappeared.
Police are baffled, as the only evidence appears to be a giant man-shaped hole … Read More
WORLD: Middle East Peace Process Totally Fucked
With Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s life hanging in the balance at Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, the Mid-East Peace Process is fucked. And I don’t mean “you scratched mom’s new car” fucked, I mean “you accidentally dumped that whole ounce … Read More
MONEY: Argentina Discontinues Use of Kitten Currency
In a 26-14 decision Thursday, Parliament voted to discontinue the use of kittens as currency in the financially-ravaged South American nation of Argentina.
Said spokesman Nicholas Garcia-Sege, “They don’t fit into a standard wallet. Vendors have begun to sell wallets … Read More
Popular Children’s Books Recalled
On Tuesday, scientists at Lawrence Berkeley Labs disproved the popular preexisting theory that everbody poops. The discovery was made after scientists spent two years observing test subject Ken Johnson. Johnson, a 20-year-old male from El Cerrito, has yet to poop. … Read More
Interview of the Week
Today we’re blessed to be interviewing two very gifted sports writers here about the Cal football team’s recent struggles.
First we have local CBS 5 Sports Director and host of The Last Honest Sports Show Dennis O’Donnell. Also present is … Read More
Viewership Soars as Baseball Reveals Bold Plan
Reeling from record-low World Series ratings, baseball commissioner Bud Selig yesterday unveiled a new marketing strategy to revitalize interest in the sport. Baseball will be disbanded.
Speaking at a news conference, Selig explained, “In lieu of playing a full season, … Read More
Hurricane Katrina Devastates Girls Gone Wild Franchise
As residents of The Big Easy rolled up their sleeves in preparation for the long process of rebuilding, others pulled their halter tops down and packed away their beads. With New Orleans in ruins, officials claim the annual Mardi Gras … Read More
Kobe Bryant OK’d to Penetrate Again
Lakers Star Shooting Guard Kobe Bryant was cleared Wednesday by a Boulder, Colorado council to penetrate again. Fans of the 6-time All Star noticed his lack of penetration last season, complaining that he would settle for outside jumpers far too … Read More
