I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents … Read More
Tag Archives: Mark Thomas
The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss
Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive … Read More
Veteran Weeps Uncontrollably
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
Man Wraps Worldly Possessions in Cellophane
A man reportedly oblivious to all that is good and just in the world allegedly wrapped his worldly possessions in cellophane while you were listening to a lecture, sitting in a library, or otherwise attempting to concentrate on what the … Read More
Words from the Top
JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics
_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In … Read More
I Get Arrested. A Lot.
Of all the things to get, arrested certainly isn’t at the top of most people’s lists. For me, I’ve been told it’s not so much a personal shortcoming as it is an error of method. But no matter what angle … Read More
New Cola Remedies Human Condition
The lasting despair and bittersweet pain that have plagued humankind since its inception have finally been obliterated by the advent of Coca-Cola’s newest beverage, C2GA$A3, according to spokesman Ken Harper. “With only half the calories of Coca-Cola Classic, C2 has … Read More
Radio Host Reveals Loneliness on Air
Hoight Smith, radio host for 90.7 classical FM, exposed his social destitution on air early Monday morning when speaking about an upcoming promotional soiree. “It’s always so fun to have that party every year,” Smith mentioned whimsically. “Lots of people, … Read More
History? OK!
From the dawn of human civilization to its apex in the mid-1920s and beyond, people have been compiling quite a file that in its wisdom calls history. History documents many important things for its present-day pupils, for instance the evolution … Read More
I’m a Liar
It’s not that I’m a liar, it’s just that I’m often tricked into lying. And nothing makes me lie more than conversing in a foreign language. Well, maybe dead whores.
Practicing verbal skills is essential in a foreign language class. … Read More
