There once was a student
Who went to ‘The Farm,’
A grievous decision
That caused him great harm.
In high school, you see,
This student was fine
‘Till goin to Stanford
Verschnickered his mind.
The first day of school
He … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Why Is That Guy Licking His Shoulder?
Berkeley has a well deserved reputation for being a city of lunatics. Hell, Telegraph is one of the only streets in the world where you can see two naked women performing an impromptu didgeridoo concert. While I’ll admit that there … Read More
Why We Should Just All Be Gay
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
– Genesis 2:22-23
Times have … Read More
A Few Words from the Top
I like the English language. I really do. It’s nice to not have to worry about umlauts, or having the letters “c” and “z” right next to each other, or making phlegmy sounds like you’re about to do an impression … Read More
Residence Hall Staff Ineptitude Test
Do you have the apathy and general lack of substance it takes to be a
member of the residence hall staff? If you think you may be unqualified enough,
test your uselessness with the…
(psst! look back at the title!)… Read More
A Broad Abroad
So I was watching a dubbed Scott Baio movie when it occurred to me, “Hey, I’m in Spain.” I can see Scott Baio’s appeal in this country. He’s a true stud of the Mediterranean variety: he’s got the tight jeans … Read More
The Wonderful World Of Nintendo
While wandering the Net on my brand new computer, I found what must be the next savage attempt to sabatoge my GPA and ruin my already crappy social life: Nintendo Emulation. By running a program such as Nesticle (don’t even … Read More
Letters to the Editors
Dear Editor,
Bite me!
-M. Albert
Dear Editor,
Hey, that’s not funny punk.
-E. Holyfield
Dear Squelch,
Please tell people to stop calling me, Since the late 80’s, I’ve answered the phone over 2 million times. The next person to … Read More
The Condemnation of A Fraternity
The Squelch Fraternal Inquisition Series Presents…
The Greek system – a continuation of the most basic and honorable ethics that were key in founding the western world. In the college setting, it helps structure young individuals into fine adults who will go on to become productive … Read More
My Personal Fall TV Preview
Moving out on my own for the first time has opened up a whole new weird, wild world to me. My mommy isn’t here any longer to give me cookies and warm milk at night, the magic laundry fairies have … Read More
