Why Kaczinski is innocent
The truth is that Kaczinski didn’t do it. He’s completely innocent because the real Unabomber is my neighbor. I know, I know. You think that your neighbor is the real one. But I can provide proof. … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Fraternity/Sorority Operational Manual, Pg. 27
How to Talk to a Rushee
One of the most important activities any house can undertake during a semester is rushing. This is the time where the house brings new rubes chumps meat members into the fold. This allows the house to pilfer more money expand … Read More
Letters to the Editors
Dear Squelch Staff,
I am outraged at the way you make fun of Chelsea Clinton based only her outward appearance. Just because she looks like an orangutan walking backwards doesn’t mean that you have to make fun of her. If … Read More
A Phylogenic Analysis of Cheerios
I. Introduction
In recent years, biologists have been stunned by the explosive radiation of forms of the popular breakfast cereal, Cheerios. The sudden arrival of new varieties has offered strong support for a punctuated equilibrium model of breakfast cereal evolution. … Read More
A Broad Abroad
So I was watching a dubbed Scott Baio movie when it occurred to me, “Hey, I’m in Spain.” I can see Scott Baio’s appeal in this country. He’s a true stud of the Mediterranean variety: he’s got the tight jeans … Read More
The Wonderful World Of Nintendo
While wandering the Net on my brand new computer, I found what must be the next savage attempt to sabatoge my GPA and ruin my already crappy social life: Nintendo Emulation. By running a program such as Nesticle (don’t even … Read More
Oski Interview
Oski: I want to get one thing straight – I’m not gay. You assholes are always implying that I’m gay. I’ve had all the girls of the Pac-Ten, if you know what I mean.
HS: Moving right along …
Oski:… Read More
Prop 209 Warfare
Very recently, a group of young gents and ladies established a human barricade at Sather Gate. Linked together at the arms and legs and standing back to back (much resembling a phospholipid bilayer), they cut off two of the three … Read More
Living in a Nuclear Filled Zone
Envision a garbage dump at about 2 p.m. It’s 105 degrees. Tsetse flies buzz around your ear. Rotting bananas ooze green filth to the right and to your left a dead cat writhes with maggots. If you look straight ahead … Read More
My Dream, or Death of a Vocalist
I had the dream again. Not the pounded yam dream; the other one. In the dream I a member of the Men’s Octet. I am good looking, funny, and the highlight of campus life from 1:00-2:00 once a week. Everyone … Read More
