BERKELEY, CA – Unknown to most Berkeley students is the secret underground supercomputing facility hidden below the dining commons. Here, industrious computer science students are working around the clock to find the Pamela Anderson sex tapes and “kick a lot … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Fight for Cal Cheerleaders
(sung to the tune of Fight for California)
I jump and I spin
I suuure hope Cal wins,
I’m in my tights, and in my sweats
And this tight top reveals my breasts
I don’t know the sport,
I dooon’t know the score
But I’m a Ca-al cheerleader… Read More
A Phylogenic Analysis of Cheerios
I. Introduction
In recent years, biologists have been stunned by the explosive radiation of forms of the popular breakfast cereal, Cheerios. The sudden arrival of new varieties has offered strong support for a punctuated equilibrium model of breakfast cereal evolution. … Read More
Letters to the Editors
Dear Squelch Staff,
I am outraged at the way you make fun of Chelsea Clinton based only her outward appearance. Just because she looks like an orangutan walking backwards doesn’t mean that you have to make fun of her. If … Read More
Why We Should Just All Be Gay
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
– Genesis 2:22-23
Times have … Read More
A Few Words from the Top
I like the English language. I really do. It’s nice to not have to worry about umlauts, or having the letters “c” and “z” right next to each other, or making phlegmy sounds like you’re about to do an impression … Read More
Residence Hall Staff Ineptitude Test
Do you have the apathy and general lack of substance it takes to be a
member of the residence hall staff? If you think you may be unqualified enough,
test your uselessness with the…
(psst! look back at the title!)… Read More
A Broad Abroad
So I was watching a dubbed Scott Baio movie when it occurred to me, “Hey, I’m in Spain.” I can see Scott Baio’s appeal in this country. He’s a true stud of the Mediterranean variety: he’s got the tight jeans … Read More
The Wonderful World Of Nintendo
While wandering the Net on my brand new computer, I found what must be the next savage attempt to sabatoge my GPA and ruin my already crappy social life: Nintendo Emulation. By running a program such as Nesticle (don’t even … Read More
Oski Interview
Oski: I want to get one thing straight – I’m not gay. You assholes are always implying that I’m gay. I’ve had all the girls of the Pac-Ten, if you know what I mean.
HS: Moving right along …
Oski:… Read More
