Heuristic Squelch: Thank you, Mr. Tyson, for generously agreeing to do this interview.
Mike Tyson: It’s a pleasure, Squelch.
MT: Are you hungry?
MT: Urn, no,
HS: Are you sure?
MT: Yeah, I’m sure. Why?
HS: Well, I just wouldn’t … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Chelsea Diaries
Proving once again that Cat is better than Stanford, three unnamed Cat students recently infiltrated the Stanford campus, getting past the bullet-proof windows of Chelsea Clinton’s dorm and stealing her underwear. The operation, named the Presidential Panty Raid (or PPR … Read More
Short Conversations
“Why do you know all the apes?”
“It’s what I do.”
“It’ll be real quick.”
“Oh, all right. I’ll bring a book.”
“Is it feti?”
“No, fetuses will be fine.”
“I fell in love last night at Davis.”
“Nah, that … Read More
Spice girl Interview
Squelch : Hello, girls.
Baby Spice : I was a playboy model.
Squelch : Woah, we’re not there yet. I’d like to find out how the four of you first got interested in music.
Fifth Spice : Theh’s five of … Read More
Remembering The Squelch
A Retrospective Look
Berkeley is California’s aborted fetus. A huge educated turd that Oakland just shit out one day. The unshaved, unshowered, hippie armpit of America. Gnoshing on a Blondie’s cockroach special with extra crust grease.
The city’s like a bloated corpse ready … Read More
Letters to the Editors
Dear Editor,
Bite me!
-M. Albert
Dear Editor,
Hey, that’s not funny punk.
-E. Holyfield
Dear Squelch,
Please tell people to stop calling me, Since the late 80’s, I’ve answered the phone over 2 million times. The next person to … Read More
The Condemnation of A Fraternity
The Squelch Fraternal Inquisition Series Presents…
The Greek system – a continuation of the most basic and honorable ethics that were key in founding the western world. In the college setting, it helps structure young individuals into fine adults who will go on to become productive … Read More
My Personal Fall TV Preview
Moving out on my own for the first time has opened up a whole new weird, wild world to me. My mommy isn’t here any longer to give me cookies and warm milk at night, the magic laundry fairies have … Read More
Human Sexuality 34.5:
Relationship Field Seminar Syllabus
Instructor: Dr. Vincent Agina
Office: -169+AY Dwinelle
Office Hours: Sunday 3:30a.m-3:35a.m Feb. 29, 1983
This course is a practical field of study of the art of relationships. students will be expected to start a relationship on week one.
WEEK 1:… Read More
An Opposing Viewpoint
Some of our readership may have noticed that the Squelch does not look fondly upon the Greek system (The Squelch doesn’t look fondly upon a lot of other things either; DC food and Alex Weingarten come to mind- and incidentally … Read More
