Today’s Outlook
Severe thunderstorms with tornadoes and flooding. 65% chance of death or dismemberment. Or else it will be sunny and 72 degrees. No one pays us to put our asses on the line here at Squelch Weather.
Extended Forecast… Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Quite a Lot of Words from the Top
The Future: even in our scientifically advanced society, it is still a daunting prospect. As we enter the 21st century (and I refuse to believe it will be via a bridge, especially not one built by some pasty Arkansas cracker … Read More
Pimps are from Mars, Hos are from Venus
Ever wonder about other people? Do you have a lot of questions about that guy standing over there? Or maybe that girl – you know, the one with the nose? We pretty much have all the answers, but we don’t … Read More
Cal NERDs Aim Virtual Sights High
BERKELEY, CA – Unknown to most Berkeley students is the secret underground supercomputing facility hidden below the dining commons. Here, industrious computer science students are working around the clock to find the Pamela Anderson sex tapes and “kick a lot … Read More
Fight for Cal Cheerleaders
(sung to the tune of Fight for California)
I jump and I spin
I suuure hope Cal wins,
I’m in my tights, and in my sweats
And this tight top reveals my breasts
I don’t know the sport,
I dooon’t know the score
But I’m a Ca-al cheerleader… Read More
Bom / Counterbom
Why Kaczinski is innocent
The truth is that Kaczinski didn’t do it. He’s completely innocent because the real Unabomber is my neighbor. I know, I know. You think that your neighbor is the real one. But I can provide proof. … Read More
Fraternity/Sorority Operational Manual, Pg. 27
How to Talk to a Rushee
One of the most important activities any house can undertake during a semester is rushing. This is the time where the house brings new rubes chumps meat members into the fold. This allows the house to pilfer more money expand … Read More
The Heuristic Squelch Interviews Fiona Apple
Heuristic Squelch: Good afternoon, Miss Apple, and I’d like to thank you for joining us today.
Fiona Apple: I’m nineteen.
HS: I’m sorry?
FA: I’m only nineteen and I’m already a big famous musician. Pretty impressive huh?
HS: Yes, well… … Read More
Editors Note
We at the Squelch have received numerous complaints that last issue’s sorority girl jokes were raunchy and untrue, and merely accused them of being sluts. As part of a Squelch-wide move toward better investigative reporting, the editorial staff went out … Read More
It’s A Small World, After All…
Last October, on the heels of a controversial $2 billion deal between French Total Oil Group and an internationally embargoed Iran, French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin responded to U.S. Protests by stating, “Nobody accepts that the U.S. can pass a … Read More
