Why Kaczinski is innocent
The truth is that Kaczinski didn’t do it. He’s completely innocent because the real Unabomber is my neighbor. I know, I know. You think that your neighbor is the real one. But I can provide proof. … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Fraternity/Sorority Operational Manual, Pg. 27
How to Talk to a Rushee
One of the most important activities any house can undertake during a semester is rushing. This is the time where the house brings new rubes chumps meat members into the fold. This allows the house to pilfer more money expand … Read More
The Heuristic Squelch Interviews Fiona Apple
Heuristic Squelch: Good afternoon, Miss Apple, and I’d like to thank you for joining us today.
Fiona Apple: I’m nineteen.
HS: I’m sorry?
FA: I’m only nineteen and I’m already a big famous musician. Pretty impressive huh?
HS: Yes, well… … Read More
Editors Note
We at the Squelch have received numerous complaints that last issue’s sorority girl jokes were raunchy and untrue, and merely accused them of being sluts. As part of a Squelch-wide move toward better investigative reporting, the editorial staff went out … Read More
It’s A Small World, After All…
Last October, on the heels of a controversial $2 billion deal between French Total Oil Group and an internationally embargoed Iran, French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin responded to U.S. Protests by stating, “Nobody accepts that the U.S. can pass a … Read More
The Ballad of Eddie and Yoshua
There was a man named Preacher Ed
Who spoke the word of God
At Sather Gate, come rain or shine
To all the Berkeley mob.
But Eddie warn’t the only man
Who liked to preach and yell
There also was … Read More
Chicken Soup for the Berkeley Soul
The Dog by Sara Medano
One day, I was walking along Telegraph, feeling depressed. A little girl – she might have been about eight years old – approached me. She had a small dog following behind her. It was a … Read More
How To Be Intense
I am an intellectual aesthete in the most sublime sense of the word, and you can be too. It is not at all hard to be Intense, and the rewards are plentiful. When people talk about the Intense, they use … Read More
Squelch Weather
Today’s Outlook
Severe thunderstorms with tornadoes and flooding. 65% chance of death or dismemberment. Or else it will be sunny and 72 degrees. No one pays us to put our asses on the line here at Squelch Weather.
Extended Forecast… Read More
Quite a Lot of Words from the Top
The Future: even in our scientifically advanced society, it is still a daunting prospect. As we enter the 21st century (and I refuse to believe it will be via a bridge, especially not one built by some pasty Arkansas cracker … Read More
