The day after I graduate is a time of rebirth, a time to lock away my childhood-to-young-adult years in the safe deposit box of memory and to open the checking account of adulthood. Here is how that day will go:… Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Lies Parents Tell
Lying to children is fun and easy. Observe the following commonplacelies, and then find a small life to ruin.
Lie: With hard work you can be anything you want to be.
Truth: Try as you might, kid, but you’ll never … Read More
George W. Bush: 007
Although our president’s exploits in the Texas Air National Guard are well documented, Mr. Bush has done even more to help the world as a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
(The Briefing)
AGENT: Your mission, Agent Bush, should you … Read More
The Diary of Sarah “Lefty Mondale” Spruce
Enemy of the Religious Right
As a proud proponent of morality, heterosexuality, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Virgin Mother, and flossing, it is my duty as a God-fearing American to release for publication this diary. A diary written by a woman so … Read More
Ode to Inoffensive Humor
So two men walk into a bar, one guy is Jewish, and the other guy is Palestinian. The Jewish man turns to the Palestinian and offers him a drink. The Palestinian agrees and offers to then buy the Jewish man … Read More
If Everything in Life Were Like Buying Weed
Trying On Shoes
Me: Hey, do you have these in nine and a half? Salesman: Sure, I’ll go get them. But it’ll take about twenty minutes.
Me: What? All you have to do is go back to that little room … Read More
Chronicles of a Seasonal Employee
So it’s one of the first days at my new job, and I am still in that precarious, delicate, virginal, stage when the world is full of possibilities and I’m nervous but simply can’t wait for a chance to prove … Read More
Solving the Problem of Awkwardness
You meet a nice girl at a party; she tells you about her trip to Mexico; you tell her about your parents’ divorce and your father’s eventual cohabitation with Carlos, a Mexican national. You’ve just found yourself in an awkward … Read More
Children’s Book Characters: Where Are They Now?
One of the things I remember most fondly from my youth is the literature of childhood–specifically, the characters that I grew up with, and came to regard as my friends. Well, now I miss my boyhood chums, so, in an … Read More
The Gameplan
Okay, gentlemen. And ladies. And Stevina. Team huddle. We all know what our objective is and what we’ll need to do to meet it. Turn your attention to the diagram on the board, and put on your 3-D glasses. I … Read More
