New Chancellor Cares Via Mass E-mail

August 1, 2004

Recently-appointed UC Berkeley Chancellor Birgeneau is planning to start his tenure on a personal note by using the university’s mass e-mailing system to warn students about the dangers of underage drinking, depression, and lack of ethnic diversity. He is continuing a legacy set forth by previous Chancellor Robert Berdahl, who won the hearts of students with his honest yet touching mass mailings on these and other issues most pressing to young adults.

“I’ve got big shoes to fill,” said Birgeneau. “Bobby was highly respected in chancelling circles because of those genuine e-mails. He really knew how to tackle the issues via electronic mass communication. They broke the mold when they made Bob, lemme tell you.”

Said Paul Chiu, a graduate student in the College of Environmental Design, “Chancellor Berdahl’s messages were absolutely inspiring. Without them, I might have fallen victim to an unsupervised college party drinking game, or I might not have known that May 5th was ‘Take the Stairs Day.’ What a legacy.”

When asked what other plans he has for his first weeks in the position, Birgeneau swiftly darted into the Eucalyptus Grove.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Superstitions

August 1, 2004

feature, Monica Padrick

Everyone knows that Friday the 13th, a full moon, and illiteracy cause bad luck. But what of the lesser-known superstitions out there? Don’t be unprepared:

Stepping on cracks will break your mother’s back. Walking on curbs will get on your mother’s nerves. Standing on streets will get your mother stabbed in the face. Concrete in general is bad luck. Asphalt is lethal.

If your ears itch, someone is talking about you. If your eyes itch, they are infected. Sharing contact lenses is bad luck.

It’s bad luck to spill salt. Throw a pinch over your left shoulder into the eyes of your enemy. He will still be your enemy, but now the stakes are higher.

Breaking a mirror brings seven years of bad luck. Breaking a two-way mirror brings seven years of retroactive bad luck. Instead of sitting at the popular table in middle school your family was demolished in a plague.

You jinx your favorite athlete by talking about how good he is while he’s playing. You jinxed yourself when you were born a girl, ’cause they’re pretty bad at sports anyway.

It is unlucky to light three cigarettes from the same match because it increases the risk of lung cancer. That third “cigarette” is a pipe bomb.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Students Rewarded for Showing Up

August 1, 2004

Laura Seiden, newsflash

After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will instead receive a “Certificate of Attendance,” a Datsun, two ounces of methamphetamine, and a triple beam scale. “They’re going to need it,” remarked State Secretary of Education Richard Riordan.

Through implementation of this test, the Board of Education hopes to further reward stupid, dirty students so that they can continue working at Starbucks. Students who receive the Certificate of Attendance need not worry, though, as such respected universities as DeVry and ITT Tech will still consider them for admission.

DeVry-Turlock campus administrators confirmed that they will be scheduling a Fall 2006 course entitled “Putting Your Pants On Before Your Shoes.”

Those who fail the test will also be given the option of a menial job as an assembly-line worker in a windowless factory in Bakersfield. Ironically, this factory builds nothing but machines that score standardized tests. Asked about the cosmic turn of events, factory night shift manager Josh DeSigly mused, “Want to buy some meth?”

Volume 14- Issue 1

If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter

August 1, 2004

feature

September 24, 2004

University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear UC Regents:

Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from school departments that wish to collect payment for services rendered.

Although we welcome your invoices, we are obliged to inform you that you will not be seeing a red cent from us at any point in the foreseeable future. The reasons for this are various, and include the fact that we are permanently broke and that those laundry machines are a total rip, but please rest assured that we wish you success in your endeavors, however futile.

Sincerely,

Eamon Doyle
Bill Avoidance Division

P.S. It is our policy that late fees are bullshit. Please retain the enclosed photograph of us giving you the finger for your records.

September 28, 2004

Guy Sitting Behind Us
100 Latimer Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Guy Sitting Behind Us,

It has recently come to our attention that you have been tapping your foot on the back of our chair for the last forty-seven minutes of this fifty-minute astronomy lecture. Given that it is currently nine o’clock in the morning, and we at Mark Thomas only stopped binge drinking four hours ago when we lost consciousness in a puddle of our own vomit and urine, the incessant tap-tap-tapping of your foot on our chair is evocative of Gilbert Gottfried jackhammering a colicky baby into our face.

As we have already made two cease-and-desist requests regarding this issue, this will be our final correspondence before we follow you out of class and into the restroom, where we will give you a swirlie.

Have a nice day,

Mark Thomas
Executive in Charge of Giving You a Swirlie

September 20, 2004

Ball-hogging Guys
c/o Recreational Sporting Facility
2301 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Ball-hogging Guys,

It has recently come to our attention that we at Sean Keane have been open for the majority of this afternoon’s basketball competition. We believe that your decision to entrust the coveted position of point guard to us was a wise one; however, we feel that you have not fully recognized and taken advantage of the numerous opportunities we have provided for the team GAA specifically, the opportunities for scoring and competitive demoralization (i.e. “trash talking”).

We recognize that we at Sean Keane are neither tall nor dexterous, but feel that we could be a tactical addition to your portfolio.

Regards,

Sean Keane

P.S. We remain currently, as before, open. Please get back to us with the ball before the close of business today.

September 21, 2004

Ms. XXXX Doyle
23XX XXXX Avenue
XXXX, CA 94XXX

Dear Ms. Doyle:

Thank you for your recent communication of Friday, September 17th. We appreciate your taking the time to share your opinions and concerns regarding the personal affairs of your first-born son.

Regretfully, we must inform you that at this time we have to plans to attain an occupation and support ourselves a little for a change, per your stated request. Moreover, we are presently unable to apply more effort to our political science class, as this would not be conducive to our current strategy of going to that one concert with our friend Steve-o.

Ms. Doyle, please know that we consider you a valued parent, and are always any open to any further comments or suggestions you may have.

Best wishes,

Eamon Doyle
Department of Family Affairs

September 23, 2004

Girl in Suite 2B51H
Foothill-LaLoma Dormitory
Berkeley, CA 94720

To Whom It May Concern:

We at Mark Thomas, in light of the recent dismissal of our proposal to rock your world, have unanimously elected to reject your conciliatory offer of friendship, as it was decidedly devoid of all desired amenities outlined in the original contract GAA most notably, blowjobs. The refusal on your part to participate in negotiations regarding addition of any key benefits to the tabled offer has led us to question the integrity of your intentions and reputation as a pincushion for dicks.

It is thusly concordant with our current vision that all company resources will be diverted to watching ourselves weep silently in a mirror.

We wish you much success in your attempts to spread your sloppy vagina all over Slutsville, though we are certain that in this endeavor, success is inevitable.

Regards,

Mark Thomas
Director of Waiting for You to Call, You Fucking Bitch

September 21, 2004

Bearded Homeless Man
Between Top Dog and Smart Alec’s
Durant Avenue
Berkeley, CA 94708

Dear Bearded Homeless Man,

We appreciate the inquiry as to the financial health of Sean Keane. Unfortunately, Sean Keane is not at liberty at this time to discuss the issue of whether or not he possesses change, much less the larger question of whether such hypothetical change is indeed “spare.” As such, the objective of the requested funds, be it food, alcohol, or some baser, as-yet-unimaginable-to-Sean Keane homeless-person vice, is currently irrelevant.

We wish you the best of success in your future solicitations. However, we regret that this new policy in regards to change reporting will be in place until further notice, and that any further inquiries will be met with a blank stare or a hearty “Sorry, man.”

Respectfully yours,

Sean Keane

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top One Way an Amputee Puts on Pants

August 1, 2004

top ten

One leg at a time

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Overheard on the Set of a Bad Porno Movie

August 1, 2004

top ten

Volume 14- Issue 1

O! The Perils of Democracy…Throughout Time.

August 1, 2004

feature, Rebecca C. Brown

Bureaucracy. Though we may have trouble spelling the word, the features that embody the concept are all too familiar: paperwork, red tape, waiting periods, committees, paperwork. But this condition is not unique to tax and spend commies or those fast-talking Washington fat cats of the post-industrial period. No, bureaucracy has been plaguing civilization since long before Father of Sociology Max Weber first delineated its characteristics in his devastating book Wirtschaft und Gesellschaft, published posthumously in 1924. Observe:

Modern-day Dusseldorf, Germany. 205,000 B.C.E.
Chief Blorg: Vice Chief Thog, I instruct you to spear that hoofed creature and prepare his flesh for the feast.
Vice Chief Thog: Why do I always have to do it? Why can’t you do it?
Chief Blorg: Because I’m the Chief. I tell you what to do.
Vice Chief Thog: But you’re closer.
Chief Blorg: [Spears Thog]
Vice Chief Thog: Only now, with my death, do I realize that an automatic compliance with all rules would best ensure my career advancement and securityarghghghgh.
Chief Blorg: Let this be a lesson to all Germans!

Cairo. 1998 B.C.E.
King Mentuhotep III: Here are the plans for the pyramid tomb of my immortal soul for submission to the Bureau of Planning.
Secretary: Looks good, except you filled out the wrong form. Tomb of immortal soul plans need to be submitted on papyrus 12-B. You used stone tablet 12-B, which is used to reserve sarcophagus cleanings. Sorry.
King Mentuhotep III: But I’m going to die on Tuesday! What will become of my soul?
Secretary: Here’s some clay and a stylus; write a hieroglyphic message to someone who cares.

Rome. 81 C.E.
Emperor Domitian: All right, what’s next on the agenda…a lobby group from Gaul is pressuring us to adopt a numerical representation of the concept of zero.
Senator Marianus: Hold on…zero? I concede that lacking an iconic and conceptual understanding of an empty set is stifling our technological advancement, but do we really have the capital for zero right now?
Emperor Domitian: You are wise beyond your years, senator. Developing the infrastructure to accommodate zero would devastate the imperial fund. Jesus, just think of all the facades we’d have to recarve!
Senator Valerius: However, Emperor, the zero constituency has been very vocal, and this is an election year.
Emperor Domitian: Hmm, also a compelling argument.
Nubile, rose-lipped Senate intern Cornelius: If I may speak out of turn, Emperor, my estimates show that we can afford either zero or twelve additional public executions of disobedient Vestal Virgins per annum, but not both.
Emperor Domitian: Zero denied.

Tenochtitlan (modern-day Mexico City). 1519 C.E.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Glorious news, Moctezuma the Second, I’ve fashioned out of available roots and herbs a medicine that can cure all disease, including ones that we have no knowledge of!
Moctezuma: That’s fantastic! I’ll spread the news as soon as… Hold on. I forgot.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Forgot about what?
Moctezuma: Well, we’ve got the Aztec Drug Administration to contend with. ADA approval can take up to fifteen years. First there’s the animal testing, then the Augury Board, then the Medicine Man Union Committee…could be decades.
Doctor Tzitzimime: But our cities could fall prey to heretofore unknown pale-faced cowards, whom we have no reason to expect.
Moctezuma: Never fear. Any white intruders (of which we to date have no knowledge) would never get into our walls. Unless, of course, they have large exploding metal sticks, which, again, we don’t know about.

Washington, D.C. March 4, 1841.
Anna Harrison: How will you celebrate your inauguration, my love?
William Henry Harrison: All of my life I’ve wanted a mail-order stereoscope. I hear Charles Wheatstone’s newest invention is knocking the Yankees’ socks off up north. I just couldn’t justify the expense until now. All I need to do is fill out this form and…aw, horseradish. It can take up to 31 days for my order to be processed and mailed to the White House! I can’t wait that long.
Anna Harrison: Stop your complaining. You’ll live.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Aren’t in Oscar Contention

August 1, 2004

top ten

You played a retarded guy, but it was a documentary
Your credit: “Assistant to Mr. Top”
The title of your movie replaces a word that sounds like “monkey” with the word “monkey”
“Man’s Head Exploding” flipbook not technically a movie
Despite the widespread popularity of your movie, you’re still R. Kelly
There is more than one X in the title of your movie
Any films in which you’ve appeared have been recorded by convenience store surveillance cameras
Your last name ends in “-ayans”
Reviews describe you as “acne-scarred”
Your production company is named “Miramaxish”

Volume 14- Issue 1

A Guide to University Speech Codes

August 1, 2004

feature, Matt Loker

Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles of Community” are a learning tool for all the retards out there.

Following is a list of phrases considered incorrect under the new Principles of Community, complete with suggestions to improve them.

Example: “Boy, those Mexicans sure like there cockfights.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is very inappropriate. The correct spelling of the word is “their,” not “there.”

Example: “I can’t get a student loan because of those scheming Jew-bankers.”
What’s Wrong With This: The phrase “Jew-bankers” should not include a hyphen, as it implies that the transnational cabal of Jewish usurers is indeed a discrete group of people. This is untrue–they are not people.

Example: “I’m really lucky that black guy didn’t break into my car and steal my radio.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is based on the common stereotype that black people steal car radios, when in fact, they are busy fucking your girlfriend with their giant penises. Collectively speaking.

Example: “Dirty Persian just looked at me funny, Ed.”
What’s Wrong With This: Whoa, hold on a second: that black guy actually did steal your radio. Sorry to tell you.

Example Conversation Between 2 Professors: “My TA told me that women still earn 25% less than men.”
“So did you give her a university-mandated raise?”
“I told her to suck my cock or I’d fire her.”
“So what happened?”
“Oh, she sucked my cock. Then I fired her.”
What’s Wrong With This: Women earn 27% less than men, not 25%. Keep dreaming, ladies.

Example: “There are so many Asians here that when I see people wearing vintage ’70s clothing, I feel like blowing up some goddamn Charlie schoolchildren.”
What’s Wrong With This: The majority of Asian-American students at Cal don’t come from Vietnam, and it is therefore inappropriate to call them “Charlie.” They are gooks.

Example: “After humans, they say dolphins are the smartest animals. Or is it Italians? No, it’s probably dolphins.”
What’s Wrong With This: Nothing. Note the proper use of “it’s.” This sentence is 100% correct.