Attn: Harry Berman, Dean

Arthur Horn, Department Chair

Re: Professor Indiana Jones

Dear Sirs,

As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and irresponsibility.

Tomorrow will mark the 703rd time that I have substituted for Professor Jones in his course Classics 4A: Latin, Archaeology, and Arks of the Covenant.

Should the gravity of such a statistic somehow remain lost on you, I would like to retype for you here several of the many, many notes Professor Jones has left for me on short notice “explaining” his absences:
“Have to go to Portugal to fight Nazis. Will you cover Classics 4A?”
“Indian villagers being kidnapped for their blood. Can you cover my classes for me? Thanks, Indy”
“Nazis took my dad. Back in 6 weeks. – Indy
PS: Feed my fish”

And his most recent note:
“Jeff Nathanson’s latest script finally approved by George Lucas.”

First of all, I hope you’ve noticed a trend in these notes. If we are to believe Professor Jones, he has fought Nazis everywhere from “Venice” and “Istanbul” to “the Macy’s outside of Baltimore” and once, apparently, “in a zeppelin.” You cannot seriously ask me to tolerate these outlandish fabrications.

Ignoring his habitual truancy, Professor Jones’ teaching habits and curriculum leave much to be desired. For instance, week one’s lecture, “Learning Hovitos and choosing your guide carefully,” bore almost no relation to week three’s lecture, “Don’t call me Junior!” If his incompetence were only limited to the classroom, perhaps I might tolerate it for another 700 unexcused absences. But Professor Jones is an irresponsible braggart of the worst sort, and what’s more he’s an actual danger to the students. I needn’t remind you of his infamous “field trip” to Carlsbad Caverns last year. I can assure you that very few of the grieving parents accepted Professor Jones’ explanation that their deceased children had “refused to throw [him] the whip.”

Finally, although it pains me to make such an accusation against another academic professional, I have good reason to believe the tragic fire in the Ophiology laboratory was no accident.

If this University has any respect for its legacy and its duty to the students, it will suspend Professor Jones until he proves he can teach a course without resorting to fantastical stories about giant boulders and non-stop Nazi-bashing, or at least until he returns the haunted idol of Ko’resh Al-Gultar to the people of Saudi Arabia.

Sincerely,
Anthony LePais
Associate Professor

Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone into a boat propeller and pretend it was a manatee to the fifth time you shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Put on your latex gloves and start taking offense at even the most imperceptible slights, because we’re setting sail for murder!

Step 1:
Is it a good time for murder?

Okay, so someone’s stolen your girl, your livelihood, or your space in line at a gas station bathroom. Now seems like the right time for murder, right?

Not so fast there, Robert Blake. Look around you and take in your surroundings before ripping that condom dispenser off the wall and bashing his skull in.

If you are…
a) …in between two police officers…
b) …standing on or near a lightly sleeping guard dog…
c) …in Texas…
…then you shouldn’t commit this murder unless you are…
a) …rich.
b) …famous.
c) …the unstoppable Juggernaut.

Step 2:
Is this a good person for me to kill?

Probably. The problem is, you really don’t have time to deal with this question. Boil it down to instinct and stick with your first impressions. Some general tips:
– Shoot first and ask questions later. Questions like, “You’re probably wondering why I shot you, huh?” and “Who’s getting picked last for foursquare now?”
– Ask yourself: Does this victim look like my mother? Could her skin be used as a lampshade?
– Sometimes you have to kill a lot of frogs before you find your prince. To kill.

Step 3:
The Killing

This is where you can really personalize the process and make the murder your own. With so many ways to kill at your disposal, it’s easy to get lost and find yourself unable to choose between ice picks, pistols, bluntly shaped sports trophies, and rocks.

Here are some tips for deciding the hows and with-how-many-thrusts of your murder:

• Use common sense: If the person you’re trying to kill is allergic to peanuts, trick them into eating Thai food. If they’re allergic to water, drown them. And if they’re allergic to bullets, then stab them with a knife laced with gunpowder.
• Lure them into a location where you have all the advantages, such as the desert if you’re an experienced Arab Bedouin warrior, or inside your hall of poisonous mirrors if you’re anyone else.
• Listen to your murderous inner child. Place a knife in your victim’s hand and say loudly “Why are you stabbing yourself, huh? Why are you stabbing yourself?” Another benefit to this strategy is that the murder will be ruled a suicide.

Step 4:
Disposal, or
How many bodies can I fit into the back of a GMC Envoy?

Seven if you take out the seats. Maybe eight if you bought the one with big cupholders.

Step 5:
Troubleshooting

Q: Shit, he’s got a gun!
A: Maybe you shouldn’t be reading this article right now.
Q: I shot him like fifty times but the bullets bounced off his bright red helmet and huge muscles.
A: Clearly you’ve misread Step 1. The idea was to be the Juggernaut, not to try to kill him.
Q: ALL OTHER QUESTIONS
A: Unplug your cattle prod, blow on it, and plug it back in.