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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons You Lost That Basketball Game to a Paraplegic Midget

January 1, 2006
  1. Paraplegic midget actually black slang for really talented Basketball player
  2. He was on steroids … for his asthma
  3. He only became paraplegic midget at half-time
  4. His canine companion was Air Bud
  5. He had more heart … and more lung because of the respirator
  6. The movie was named after him
  7. Referee also a paraplegic midget
  8. Couldn’t use your ball handling skills to break his ankles
  9. Little bastard tricked you into scoring on your own basket on 37 non-consecutive occasions
  10. He’s black
Volume 15- Issue 4

Excerpts from The Bible’s DVD Commentary Track

January 1, 2006

[opening credits]
Producer: Of course in retrospect it seems totally obvious, but I remember we agonized for a while about casting God.
Director: And then–it was our casting director Jerry, I think–he brought up the idea of just using God.
Producer: And we were like: I don’t know. I mean, I know he’s God, but…can he act?
Director: It turned out to be exactly the right call.
God: A-men.
All: [laughter]

[Genesis 1:2]
Writer #1: So we’re sitting there, trying to hammer out the early scenes, but something’s missing. Something’s off.
Writer #2: Man, that was rough.
Writer #1: We were totally in the dark, you know? We had whole scenes you couldn’t make out. Then God comes in–
Writer #2: He’s so fucking money.
Writer #1: –Then God comes in, and he puts out his cigarette and he says, “Peep this. Let’s divide the light from the darkness.”
Writer #2: We all just stopped.
Writer #1: That’s when he asked for an executive producer credit.
Writer #2: It’s like he knew we were going to give it to him.

[Genesis 2:16]
Writer #1: What I really miss from our original draft of the Garden of Eden are the dinosaur scenes.
Writer #2: Oh, totally. Especially after WETA lined up to do them.
God: I think that will be all on the subject of dinosaurs.
Writers: Yes, Lord.
Director: If you look closely, that’s actually Andy Serkis playing the serpent.

[Genesis 4:8]
Producer: When one of your actors dies, the whole production is jeopardized.
Director: Sure it’s tragic, but the real headache is worrying about story continuity, contracts, agents, unions…
Writer #1: We only had two hours to do the rewrite.
Writer #2: Yeah, Cain sure wasn’t happy with the way that turned out.

[Genesis 5:25]
Director: There’s a continuity error in this scene. If you’re watching closely, you’ll notice that Methuselah actually lives for nine hundred years.
Script Supervisor: Yeah, my bad.

[Exodus 12:40]
Producer: Egypt. Yikes. Please, let’s never do that again.
Director: Tell me about it. Ordering all the extras around really made me feel like a slave driver!
All: [laughter]
Director: But seriously, the wind, the sand, the camels. Total nightmare.
God: [sighing] I never should have set this story in the desert.

Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Six Rejected Alternatives to LL Cool J’s line, “I’m Staring at Your Cornea / You’re Getting Horniah and Horniah”

January 1, 2006
  1. I’m staring at your complexion/ And getting a boner
  2. I’m visiting an island of the western Pacific Ocean in the Malay
  3. I’m climbing in your wardrobe/ It’s getting Narnia and Narnia
  4. I’m cooking you some breakfast hash/ I’m getting cornier and cornier
  5. I’m staring at your iris/ I want to give you human papilloma virus
  6. I’m staring at your iris/ You’re getting more and more desirous
Volume 15- Issue 4

President Cries in a Corner

January 1, 2006
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President Bush’s feelings were seriously injured this week when his NSA Domestic Surveillance Program intercepted hundreds of libelous emails defaming the president’s character. The majority of the offending letters were found to be circulating through West Wing offices.

“These are so mean,” a shocked Bush said upon seeing the first of the emails that have continued to surface in growing numbers throughout the week. “Just … mean,” he added, sniffling. While the exact content of the intercepted messages remains classified, top officials have described the subject matter as “reprehensible,” “immature,” and “pooped my pants laughing.”

Although the NSA program which uncovered the documents has come under serious attack from privacy advocates and civil liberty groups, the president remains steadfast in defending the program. “We’re at war with a bunch of cold-blooded killers with no sense of decency or responsibilitude,” said Bush, “and every time Dick photoshops my head onto a monkey’s body and sends it to Condi, the terrorists win.”

Spokesmen for the president say he is currently deciding how to proceed, although no plans to prosecute exist as of yet. The White House did announce that from now on, the President’s Livejournal will be designated “friends only.”

Volume 15- Issue 4

Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems

January 1, 2006
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PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s memories, but it won’t wash away your ruined credit and wrecked self-esteem.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You ask your apartment manager if he knows why your rent is late. When he replies, “I don’t know,” he is covered in green slime! You both have a laugh, get a bite to eat at Barth’s, and then go to sleep in a gym locker with Alanis Morissette.

PROBLEM: You just found out you contracted HIV from your mistress, and you have to tell your wife that you’ve likely passed it on to her.
LIKELY RESULT: You never muster up the courage to tell her and when both she and your best friend John die from AIDS 7 months later, you’re pretty upset. Also you still have AIDS.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You hire Linda Ellerbee and the Nick News kids to explain the situation to your wife with the help of special guest anchor Magic Johnson. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when your wife realizes Linda Ellerbee is your mistress.

PROBLEM: Morpheus wants you to prove yourself and defeat the agent before finding out if the Mervoginian will release the Key Maker.
LIKELY RESULT: Pretentious mid-air kick-boxing battle over a crowded thoroughfare.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: After moving Mikey up two squares and answering a question about the Old West, you make it to round three but your 2d-virtual magic carpet ride comes to an end early when you fail to collect three rings and are bitten to death by a crudely animated snake. You never manage to reach Mongo the space troll and defeat him to earn a Commodore Amiga, but the ending still makes more sense than Neo being Jesus.

PROBLEM: Your boss tells you that the managerial promotion has come down to you and your rival Davidson.
LIKELY RESULT: While attempting to pull an all-nighter to finish a report, you end up crashing out and sleepwalking into your boss’s office. The turd on his keyboard isn’t easy to explain the next morning.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Instead of basing the promotion off on your job aptitude, your boss tells you the decision will be made by a race to the top of the AGGRO-CRAG! As you scramble up its jagged features, a well placed kick to your rival sends him face first into an explosion of confetti. He’s blinded for life and you get the promotion! Suck on THAT, Davidson!

PROBLEM: A friendly boasting match turns ugly and you end up in a duel to the death with a sea pirate.
LIKELY RESULT: You’re boned.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Hey, I said you’re boned. What, you think David the Gnome is going to pop out with a magical fox for you to ride away on? Fucking pirate is 6’5″ and has an eye patch. I mean, shit.

Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars

January 1, 2006
  1. World’s second best pesto
  2. Training for being upcoming contestant in who wants to be a millionaire
  3. 500k for Elisha Cuthbert blowjob; 500k for guy to knock her teeth out before hand
  4. Paying two dogs to fall in love
  5. Two nights of passion with Ed Begley Jr.
  6. A Segway that works in space
  7. One chick at the same time
  8. The whole world’s pog collection
  9. A KICK-ASS meal plan
  10. A hundred million pennies
Volume 15- Issue 6

Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?

January 1, 2006
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Scenario One:

Using the English Language
Hung-over: When hung-over, complex words like “uhhhhhhnng” are often hard to pronounce. You are light-headed. You feel like you might vomit. You do vomit. You try to tell one of the workers at Jack-in-the-Box that you just puked, but much to your chagrin neither you nor he speak English very well. You puke again.
Over-hung: If you’re toting around a large cock you only need to know how to say two phrases: “Oh Yeah!!!” and “Ouch, I think my back is broken from carrying around this 42 lb cock.”
Winner: Over-hung

Scenario Two:

Going out in Public
Hung-over: You walk outside and are instantly perplexed by mankind’s invention of sunlight. You suddenly hate everything, including the pants you forgot to put on.
Over-hung: Even if you remember the pants, they never fit like they do in the ads.
Winner: Hung-over

Scenario Three:

Trying to get Laid
Hung-Over: For some reason, the women in Denny’s at 11 am on a Saturday don’t generally want to go back to your place. You try to download porn but your computer screen is brighter than gazing on the true form of God. You rub yourself vaguely until you realize it would take less energy to just go back to sleep and hope for a wet dream.
Over-Hung: Fitting your sexual device into a vagina is like pushing a subway train into an ant’s ass hole. You try several times with several different women, but can’t get the pieces to fit. Finally you meet Shamu.
Winner: Hung-over, but only ’cause it’s not the original Shamu

Scenario Four:

Driving a Car
Hung-Over: My dear lord, you’re still drunk. You scream this revelation to your passengers, laugh and then realize the elementary students in the bus you’re driving don’t quite understand or appreciate the joke like your drinking buddies would. You crash into a parked building.
Over-Hung: You drive a Ford Focus to undercompensate for your abnormally large penis. Legroom is an issue. Occasionally, lack of a sunroof.
Winner: Hung-over

Scenario Five:

Getting Drunk
Hung-over: The best way to eliminate a hangover is to keep drinking. You just wish you knew what you were getting yourself into when you started drinking at a Pink Floyd concert back in 1977.
Over-hung: Getting you drunk is nearly impossible. When you drink it’s like drinking for two if one of you is a huge, oblong pickleman. Heroin is more your style; with a cock that big, finding a vein is never a problem.
Winner: Hung-over

Overall Winner:

Hung-Over

Volume 15- Issue 6

What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?

January 1, 2006
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Watching a TV Show

You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]

Going to the Movies

You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]

Studying

[Cindy’s parents bust in.]
Dad: What are you doing with my daughter?!
You: It’s not what it looks like!
Dad: You are grounded, young lady!
Cindy: Dad, I’m a grown woman, and I have a calculus test! All the kids are studying for it!
Mom: [Clutching chest.] Oh Henry, there’s pencil shavings everywhere!
You: [Zipping up binder.] I should go.

Renting an Apartment

You: So you’ve never rented out this apartment before?
Landlord: Nope. You’re the first.
You: You’re sure you’ve never rented before? There’s an awful lot of space in here.
Landlord: What are you trying to say?
You: Uh, nothing! The place is great! I love the place!
Landlord: Oh, good. I’m really glad.
You: Are those blood stains on the carpet?
Landlord: To tell you the truth, this place has been broken into a few times.

Playing Softball

Pitcher: Glad you could make it. I thought no one would ever answer that Craig’s List ad. We were gonna have to play a man down.
You: To tell you the truth, I’m a little scared. I’ve never played for this team before.
Pitcher: Don’t worry, you’ll make a great catcher.
You: But my glove’s brand new. It’s pretty tight.
Pitcher: Sergio, bring the oil!
You: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…
Pitcher: I’m gonna go light some candles.

Buying Groceries

Cashier: That’ll be $37.50.
You: [Bursts into tears.]

Ordering Indian Food

You: I’d like the chicken tikka masala. Extra spicy.
Waiter: Are you sure, ma’am?
You: Totally.
Waiter: It might be too spicy for you.
You: No, I’m–I’m ready.
[Food comes.]
You: AHHHHH! OH GOD! IT’S LIKE I’M BEING SPLIT OPEN!
Waiter: You’re doing great!
You: THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!
Waiter: I love you.

Volume 15- Issue 6

Murder! in Five Easy Steps

January 1, 2006
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Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone into a boat propeller and pretend it was a manatee to the fifth time you shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Put on your latex gloves and start taking offense at even the most imperceptible slights, because we’re setting sail for murder!

Step 1:
Is it a good time for murder?

Okay, so someone’s stolen your girl, your livelihood, or your space in line at a gas station bathroom. Now seems like the right time for murder, right?

Not so fast there, Robert Blake. Look around you and take in your surroundings before ripping that condom dispenser off the wall and bashing his skull in.

If you are…
a) …in between two police officers…
b) …standing on or near a lightly sleeping guard dog…
c) …in Texas…
…then you shouldn’t commit this murder unless you are…
a) …rich.
b) …famous.
c) …the unstoppable Juggernaut.

Step 2:
Is this a good person for me to kill?

Probably. The problem is, you really don’t have time to deal with this question. Boil it down to instinct and stick with your first impressions. Some general tips:
– Shoot first and ask questions later. Questions like, “You’re probably wondering why I shot you, huh?” and “Who’s getting picked last for foursquare now?”
– Ask yourself: Does this victim look like my mother? Could her skin be used as a lampshade?
– Sometimes you have to kill a lot of frogs before you find your prince. To kill.

Step 3:
The Killing

This is where you can really personalize the process and make the murder your own. With so many ways to kill at your disposal, it’s easy to get lost and find yourself unable to choose between ice picks, pistols, bluntly shaped sports trophies, and rocks.

Here are some tips for deciding the hows and with-how-many-thrusts of your murder:

  • Use common sense: If the person you’re trying to kill is allergic to peanuts, trick them into eating Thai food. If they’re allergic to water, drown them. And if they’re allergic to bullets, then stab them with a knife laced with gunpowder.
  • Lure them into a location where you have all the advantages, such as the desert if you’re an experienced Arab Bedouin warrior, or inside your hall of poisonous mirrors if you’re anyone else.
  • Listen to your murderous inner child. Place a knife in your victim’s hand and say loudly “Why are you stabbing yourself, huh? Why are you stabbing yourself?” Another benefit to this strategy is that the murder will be ruled a suicide.

Step 4:
Disposal, or
How many bodies can I fit into the back of a GMC Envoy?

Seven if you take out the seats. Maybe eight if you bought the one with big cupholders.

Step 5:
Troubleshooting

Q: Shit, he’s got a gun!
A: Maybe you shouldn’t be reading this article right now.
Q: I shot him like fifty times but the bullets bounced off his bright red helmet and huge muscles.
A: Clearly you’ve misread Step 1. The idea was to be the Juggernaut, not to try to kill him.
Q: ALL OTHER QUESTIONS
A: Unplug your cattle prod, blow on it, and plug it back in.