Girl Falls for Best Friend

In a shocking turn of events, Kelly Harrison, a beautiful psychology major, has fallen for Tim Macy, her best friend, her ballroom dancing partner, and a member of the crew team. For years, Macy… Read More

Volume 14- Issue 4

3 Dead, 12 Wounded After Bear Wanders Into Furry Convention

Matt Loker, newsflash

The San Jose Airport Hilton was the scene of a tragedy Thursday, as fifteen people were attacked by a wayward bear. The Alaskan Kodiak, escaped from a nearby zoo, became enraged when numerous “furry” fetishists tried to … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 4

Make Your Own Action Movie

feature, Mark Thomas

The Briefing

Government Official: (gravely) I assume you all know why you’ve been called in here today. We’ve got three hours/seven days to diffuse this atomic/biological warhead planted by the notorious global corporation/ … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 4

Cosmetic Surgery for Animals

Danny Marshall, feature, Gabe Reilich

It is apparent that our society is becoming increasingly sexualized. From Lindsay Lohan’s big-ass titties to Donald Rumsfeld’s vagina tightening, male and female sexuality are being pushed to the limits through the wonders of cosmetic surgery. The … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 4

Berkeley Bong Ripping Contest Violates Law of Non-contradiction

newsflash

Last weekend, Berkeley’s most notorious potheads faced off in a battle of lung capacity and “sheer stoner righteousness,” resulting in a logical paradox of G+A|delian proportions.

The paradox arose from the identification of the contest’s … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 3

Iraqi Prisoners Put On Freedom Play

Alexander E. Drew, newsflash

Lt. Col. Rebecca Hastings decided it would be fun for everyone if the Iraqi prisoners put on a play about why they love freedom so much.

“Everyone’s always so glum around here,” she said. “I thought it … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 3

European Geography Clarified

newsflash, Unfunny Asshole 2

At a formal European Council meeting yesterday, Sweden and Switzerland confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they’re both really the same country.

For years Europeans had scoffed at Americans who confused the always-neutral Swiss with the … Read More

Volume 14- Issue 3

Disabled Students Program

feature, Unfunny Asshole 1

I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for… Read More

Volume 14- Issue 3

5 Other Bigs

feature

Big Bum

The poorest man in Berkeley versus the poorest man at Stanford. This year Cal’s very own Steven and a small bag of his own excrement go up against Chad Wilson and his ’98 Toyota Camry. … Read More