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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 16- Issue 4

Masturbation Defeats Sex

January 1, 2007
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Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation over the top.

“We’ve seen this coming — heh — since the early 1990s,” Sexologist Raymond Weis said. “There’s ever-more sophisticated internet porn and fetish-diversification along with revolutionary new solo techniques like The Overhead Grunter and The Silent Donkey. Meanwhile, intercourse stayed pretty much the same.”

Weis also pointed to long-standing advantages to masturbation, such as availability, cost, timing, and the rise of competitive ‘shotput’ leagues.

The changeover occurred at 11pm last Tuesday, when men across the country walked out of committed relationships and bars to take their new place in front of computers, inside bathrooms, and in the back row of classrooms.

“I was at Kips,” a random guy said, “And I suddenly realized I could just go home and masturbate. I’ve got a subscription to HornyGrandma.com and a Fleshlight. Why should I sit around buying girls drinks?”

Weis noted that the situation could be temporary. “We’ve seen some encouraging signs among women. Slutty Halloween costumes, generally low self-esteem, and believing that talking about sex makes them cool; all these things should help. But when you see that the latest women’s fashion is an 80s legging revival and sheep rancher boots, you have to wonder about their will to win.”

Volume 16- Issue 4

Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!

January 1, 2007
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It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there’s no decent food around. In fact, a lack of late night munchies is the nation’s number one killer of good vibes. Fortunately, this can all be avoided with a little vigilance and a lot of swerving. Thanks to the miracle of 24-hour drivethrus and 3 A.M. drunk driving, no longer do college students bum away in starvation. But when someone’s too drunk to get behind the wheel and drive to Jack in the Box, remember: just say “yo!” Then, having got your friends’ attention, say “shotgun”; that way, you can make sure the driver is adequately distracted by loud, loud music.

“But,” you ask, “am I fadrunk, too drunk to driving bluh hrumfuh?” Just go by this simple acronym to find out every time. After all, why own a car if you’re not going to drive it… occasionally into a telephone pole? Just ask yourself if you’re SAFE:

Shitfaced: Are you?
Alcohol: Want some more, for courage? Fast: Wanna go it? Emergency brake: You’ll always notice you left it on the whole time when you return from getting food.
Alright, so you’ve determined you’re properly slanted before getting behind the wheel. And your jackoff buddies in the backseat are baying at the night and whipping bottles at parked cars. Everything’s set to go. Right?

No, left! Always take only left turns and you’ll end up wherever you want to go. That’s a little tip from celebrity intoxicated driving enthusiast Billy Joel! What other tips do you have for us, Mister Joel?
Billy Joel’s Tip: Hi kids! I’m Billy Joel. You might remember me for such songs as “Piano Man” and “Allentown,” and such car accidents as Long Island Tree and A House. Those were pretty good times, but I’ll tell you what isn’t good times: signaling when driving drunk. Remember never to signal any lane changes (it shows other drivers you are weak) and under no circumstances should you obey stop signs (they take away your power).

Thanks Billy! Now, here’s something else to think about: destination. Pick a place that everyone can agree on; in the case of drunk people, everyone can agree on “food.” Good ideas for late-night eats include Mexican food (carbs) and burgers (meaty goodness). Bad things to eat include gyros (gross) and whatever a hobo is sleeping on (it’s probably a gyro). Also, be sure to have a good idea of where your chosen restaurant is actually located, because if you’re relying on secondhand directions dictated and written while drunk, you’ll be headed towards Ten Hundred and Six Road Street, Drawing of a Penis.

Now, after you’ve made it to the restaurant and loaded up on choice food, remember not to let your buzz down. On the way back, get that adrenaline going again by taking some time for the Trick Round. Now’s the time to pull your best donut, bootlegger turn, or Tokyo powerslide for the amusement of your drunken friends. Who, of course, are too busy eating to notice the sweet, sweet danger all around.
Billy Joel’s Tip: One of my favorite moves is the Moonshiner’s Turn, where you start parked, throw the bitch into reverse and spin the wheel for a perfect 180. Pull that off and you’ll be saying, “We DID start the fire!” After plowing into an electrical transformer backwards.

But couldn’t you just stay in and order pizza? And in doing so, avoid possible damage to property, incarceration, and death? The answer is NO! And I’ll let Billy Joel explain why:
Billy Joel’s Tip: Huh? Where in the fuck am I? What did I just… why is my car in a building? So much smoke… Is this an orphanage? I hear crying. I’m just… just going to sleep this off for a spell. Could someone call my lawyer?

 

 

Volume 16- Issue 4

Class Act

January 1, 2007
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Let’s face it; you’re not getting any. In fact, you haven’t gotten any, and by the look of things (you in a bathrobe eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch at three in the afternoon), you’re not going to get any. And by any, I mean vaniga. Oh wait, I meant “vagina.” But you know who gets some? Classy guys. Think James Bond. Think Steve McQueen. Don’t think Kevin Smith. But how can you prove to a girl that you’re a cut above without being declared the Duke of Marmalade? Here are some subtle ways to become classy, my future-virginity-losing amigos.

  • When someone talks about a film, always say that the book was much better. If someone ever questions this, such as stating “I didn’t know that Airplane was a book first,” scoff at them and say, “clearly you are not familiar with the works of T.S. Elliot.”
  • Burn your copies of Penthouse. Replace them with Playboy.
  • Two words: Wine. Bong.
  • A real gentleman knows that you don’t excite a woman with your touch. You excite her with the many ways you don’t touch her: the knowing glances, the feel of each others breath, the taste of the used kleenex she left behind.
  • Buy a smoking jacket, Shriner’s hat, pipe, and the Collected Works of Dickens. Throw them away and frame the receipt above your bed.
  • 90% of the time women decide who they’re attracted to via pheromones. If you have a good looking friend, fashion yourself a cummerbund from a pair of his boxer shorts.
  • Gold teeth, large platinum chains, and diamond pendants are gaudy and scream nouveau riche. Men with class wear refined hidden jewelry, like Patek Philippe watches and Mont Blanc cock rings.
  • When she asks you what your favorite city is, don’t say New York, London, or Paris like so many pussies. Say a French word and claim it’s a small rustic village just outside of Versailles where you spent a summer writing a novel and performing brain surgery on cats. Then remove a single tattered photo of a cat from your wallet and cry out “Mittens! Mittens! Pourquoi la mort vous a réclamée?!”
  • Graveyards are a great place to find free, slightly used tuxedos.
  • Make sure you always have a non-expired magnum pack of “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms in the drawer of your nightstand. Make sure you never use them. James Bond never used a condom.

There. With any luck you will be swimming in an inordinate amount of ladies’ private parts with a manageable amount of sexually transmitted diseases. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some champagne in the microwave.

 

Volume 16- Issue 4

The Diary of the Last Man on Earth

January 1, 2007

Janaury 18, 2008

It’s been three weeks now since the sky turned green and the storms began. I thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, or environmental disaster, but I’m at a loss for what really happened. I’ve been up and down the coast and all throughout the Southwest and there isn’t another living person anywhere to be found. I’m positive at this point that I’m the last person on Earth. I really wish this had happened after Lost finished.

February 28, 2008

The gravity of this situation is really sinking in. There’s nothing but static on the radios, no television signals, no power, no nothing. Driving around empty streets in this stolen Ferrari really isn’t as fun with no one to see me driving it.

May 12, 2008

Things I don’t miss: advertisements, Paris Hilton, traffic. Things I miss: my insulin.

July 20, 2008

Today marks the fifth coast to coast drive I’ve completed. It’s really easy with no other cars on the road. Five trips, Seattle to Boston, and I’ve yet to see another person who didn’t later turn out to be a man-shaped tree, a man-shaped rock, or a man-shaped school bus full of corpses.

October 2, 2008

I’m to the point where it’s hard to remember what having electricity was like, but I’m not worried. As long as I stay near what used to be civilization, I’ll have all the canned food I’ll ever need. I found a dog, a yellow labrador, and named him Tobasco. It makes me wonder if there are more dogs around. Tobasco makes things a little less lonely. Plus I’ve been regularly fucking him.

January 14, 2009

WHY DINT I START GRWING WEED EALRIER

March 2, 2009

One of the other dogs I picked up got a hold of the gasoline and burned down the marijuana crop, so that takes care of those hobbies. I’ve decided that I’m not going to live the rest of my life as some kind of burned out pothead. I’m going to the library, I’m going to become a scholar. I will absorb the wisdom of all the great authors and become a modern-day Buddha.

March 3, 2009

FUCK BOOKS I LOOOOOVE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

July 4, 2009

I celebrated this Independence Day by moving into the White House. I sit around in the old president’s pajamas, ride my scooter through the hallways, and pick up the red phone in the oval office and say, “Nuke ‘em? I hardly even know ‘em!” I always have a good laugh about that. How come I’m so funny now that there’s no one around?

November 2, 2009

First Dog Tobasco came in and gave me the good news. I won the election and enter a second term as President. I think my strategy of amending the Constitution to bar dogs from holding public office really thinned the competition.

March 1, 2010

National Security Advisor Muffin was executed today for crimes against the color blurple. I placed the Presidential tabs of LSD behind my eyelids and had the honor guard shoot him out of a Howitzer cannon so that I could see what music his treason made across the green sky.

November 28, 2010

Diary, I don’t know about you, but I think Tobasco has gone crazy.

Volume 16- Issue 4

NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal

January 1, 2007
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The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the nation’s population, they are represented by much higher percentages at the country’s elite colleges — 24% at Stanford, 27% at MIT, and a whopping 41% at UC Berkeley, where the passage of Proposition 209 banned affirmative action and has forced admissions to be decided without regard to race.

“It’s totally unfair,” said Jonathan Evers, 17, who will be rejected from Berkeley this year. “They get really good grades, spend all their free time volunteering and playing the piano, and their test scores are off the map. What about me? What about the little guy? The little guy with a 1050 SAT who was counting on a soccer scholarship until he tore his ACL trying to pogo-stick across a freeway when he was totally fucking wasted? It’s like none of us even have a chance.”

Attempts to reach African-American students at Berkeley for comment were unsuccessful, as they had both gone out of town.

Volume 16- Issue 4

A Little Something for the Ladies

January 1, 2007
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An open letter to all you female readers out there, guaranteed to soak through even the most absorbent of pants.

Hey there, lady.

That’s right, you know who this is. You must know, then, that it’s that time again for me, that time when I get the urge. The urge for some of the sweet, sweet, sugary-sweetness of your syrupy candy-hole. Sorry, I also apparently have the urge for some actual candy. Let me take care of that. There are we are; Good & Plenty. Mmm. You know that’s what you’re going to get from me, girl. Get it? Good & Plenty? Yes, you get it. That’s my girl, smart as a whip!

Anyway, I’ve got that urge real bad. So why don’t you come on and hop over here to my place? You can walk, right? No, I’m kidding of course. I’ll be a gentleman. I will reimburse your bus ticket. Oh, and get some kind of fancy liquor on the way, like some Bailey’s or Christian Brothers. I’ll split the cost with you, because, you know, you’ll be drinking, like, half of it. And please, don’t tarry, my lady. I have a thing later. Also I just can’t wait to please the hell out of you. Shit, you are going to be so pleasured, it’s not even going to be funny.

Ah, you’re here, just in time. Actually, you could have been here a little bit earlier. You must have done some tarrying, like I told you specifically not to! Don’t worry, though, I forgive you, and respect your right to tease. Please, come inside, out of the cold. Oh, don’t mind him. That’s my roommate, the Wheeze. Don’t worry about Wheeze, he’s all right. Sorry Wheeze, I can’t watch Robot Chicken with you tonight. What’s that? Well, I don’t know. Would you like a hit off of Wheeze’s bong, my sweet? I’m sure you’ll find its acrylic wizard decorations pleasing to the eye and the soul. No? Well, all right, that’s kind of rude, but I’ll let it slide, because you are going to get the most beautiful and exquisite dicking of your life. I know I’d be tense and stand-offish if I were standing on such a hot, throbby precipice.

Let’s just step into my room. Please step lightly, so as not to knock my MacFarlane figure of Locke from Lost off of that shelf. Here is my futon, where your world will be summarily rocked. Just let me get all these Crunchwrap Supreme boxes out of the way, and we’ll get right down to the festivities. What’s that? Why, yes, that is Axe Body Spray. I forgot to take a shower a couple times, so I thought I’d freshen things up for your comfort. I even shaved most of my neck-beard. Go ahead, have a feel. No, not there. I don’t know, a scab or something. See, here. There, that’s the sweet spot, from the Adam’s Apple down.

I can see from your concerned frown that you’re getting uncontrollably turned on. Let me take off my Rush t-shirt and show you my glistening man-chest. That’s actually not a rash, I just get really blotchy. Now the belt. I like to whip it when I take it off, like I’m Indiana Jones. You know, we could role-play like that, I’ll be Indy and you’ll be that smokin’ Nazi broad. Maybe you’d like to be whipped, Krauty Von Tits…Kyaah!

Oh God, I didn’t mean to hit your face with it. That’s blood. Oh, wow, that’s black blood. You might want to see a couple surgeons about that. That “Spinnaz” buckle really dug itself in there well, didn’t it? Look, my lady, the mood’s kind of shot for me at this point. I’m working with, like, half a chub. Honestly, I think I could do better squeezing one off to The L Word on mute. I think you should probably go home. Thanks anyway, baby-doll. You were a real sport. I think it’s subsided a little–Oh, there it goes again. Yeah, that’s real hot and sticky, and very much not in the way I wanted.

Until next time, my sweet.

-DH

Volume 16- Issue 4

My Rejected Sitcom

“My Body and Me”

January 1, 2007

_Nate is a young man whose life is tragically cut short. Now he’s in heaven hanging out with all his internal organs as they go on a series of crazy, afterlife adventures. Hang on, because this season is gonna be a heartfelt attack on the funny bone.
_

INT. APARTMENT IN HEAVEN – DAY Nate’s internal organs lounge on the couch and stools lining the kitchen counter. NATE swings open the door, and everyone looks his way.

NATE

How’s everyone doing?

EVERYONE

Hey Nate!

NATE

So you guys wanna know what we’re gonna do today? (Pause) We’re gonna go find all my dead pets. Well, except that parrot I had during my Dave Matthews phase.

STOMACH

Put your pets inside me, Nate.

NATE

No way stomach, that’s what you said about my car keys and Lower Intestine never let me hear the end of that one.

LOWER INTESTINE sprays brown corn across the room. LUNGS flap over to lung cage and begin eating some lung seed.

BRAIN

(Sidles over to Nate and puts spinal column over his shoulder)

Nate, I don’t mean to alarm you but these people are clearly insane. We have to dispose of them.

NATE

Oh Brain! That’s the same crazy talk that wound us up here in the first place.

Everyone bursts out laughing, APPENDIX actually bursts. NATE falls to the ground kicking his legs. He opens his mouth to scream but only blood comes out.

Volume 16- Issue 4

If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies

January 1, 2007

Love is like a rose; I’ve bought both from immigrants on corners.

There’s a time to be proud and there’s a time to be humble; everybody yaks on their knees.

You will purchase a hookah over the internet and people will like you.

Nothing says “I have sex with women” like a big poster of a naked woman.

The funniest things in life are the things that happened in Old School.

You will totally eat that urinal cake for five dollars. Oh my god, I can’t believe you did it. Naw man, I’ll give you the money tomorrow.

Every Bro deserves a Ho, and every Ho deserves some Blow, unless that Ho has Menstrual Flo

Don’t let the things you don’t know, stop you from not using a condom.

Volume 16- Issue 4

President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery

January 1, 2007
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At a funeral service in Washington earlier this month, Gerald Ford, the 38th and indisputably most goofy president of the United States, was honored by several members of his former cabinet with a tribute to the former Commander-in-Chief’s exemplary leadership in the face of Ritz Brothersesque adversity. The tribute to Ford, or “Turbo,” as his college friends called him, centered on his presidential career, athletic prowess, and Rooseveltian struggle with buffoonery.

Allen Byer, a reporter who covered the Ford administration closely, remarked on Ford’s strong character and ability to bring indignity to every decision made. “He’d look at you, and you’d just be in awe. And then he would do something like close the limo door on his pants, only to have them rip off as the limo drove away. He was really something, like Clemenceau and Clouseau put into one, slightly simian package.”

Henry Kissinger, part of the Nixon cabinet responsible for Ford’s characteristically bumbling pratfall into office, recalled his propensity for slapstick fundamentals even before being named president. “We were working with the Chinese ambassadors at a lunch meeting, on the day after Halloween. Mr. Ford had apparently dressed as a beaver of some variety but gotten the buck teeth of the costume stuck, and after being slightly blinded by staring at his lamp too long, stumbled into our meeting, eyes squinted and faux-teeth garbling his cries for assistance.” Kissinger added, with a smile, “Needless to say, that took us weeks to smooth over, and Mr. Ford was sent to his room to think about what he had done. I will go on the record as saying it was worth it, however.”

In a statement from his ranch, President Bush asserted that Ford had always been a direct political inspiration, particularly in such crises as PretzelGate and the countless times Bush has dropped his dog in front of a camera. “I was fortunate enough to meet Mr. Ford in 1976. Actually, I can’t guarantee that I did, but I’m fairly confident I could tell from the echoed mumbling and dejected slurping sounds from underneath that honey pot stuck on his head that it was him.”

In a final, somber tribute, the pallbearers at Ford’s funeral tripped ceremoniously while carrying the flag-strewn casket, sending Ford’s corpse flying gloriously for several feet until falling sharply and lodging the president’s lifeless head in a nearby horse’s rectum.

 

Ford’s Greatest Presidential Moments

August 9th, 1974 – Ford falls into tuba at inaugural ball, only saved when very fat man is able to blow him out.

October 5th, 1974 – Attacked by swarm of bees during live address to nation.

January 19th, 1975 – Falls down escalator for several hours.

April 22nd, 1975 – Accidentally marries bear.

April 25th, 1975 – Marriage to bear annulled at request of bear’s handlers.

December 7th, 1975 – Puts foot through floor of Oval Office, revealing trove of at-then undiscovered Kennedys.

July 4th, 1976 – In honor of bicentennial hosts fireworks display at White House, misfired bottle rocket hits self on forehead, resulting in crossed eyes for duration of presidency.

January 20th, 1977 – Leaves office same way he came; by not getting elected.

Volume 16- Issue 4

The Future of Video Game Series

January 1, 2007
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The Sims 3: Barely Makin’ Ends Meet!

Players will delight as their Sims put the “rock” back in rock bottom! Get fired from the slaughterhouse, perform comically censored but highly suggestive sexual favors for strangers, and earn enough to pay off your debt to the Rent-A-Center and feed your hilarious peyote addiction!

Super Mario No Holds Barred Cage Fighting

Who says that even the most violent sports can’t be dumbed down to appeal to a speculated juvenile audience? Collect enough Magical Yoshi Star Coins to pummel your adversary to the point of Super Brain Damage! Time your Golden Mushroom Meter just right, and snap both of your opponent’s ankles simultaneously!

Kingdom Hearts 5

Disney and Square Enix will be scraping the bottom of the barrel as character options begin to run thin. Travel through worlds based on forgettable Disney films such as the lackluster 2000 flop, “Dinosaur,” and team up with allies such as Chicken Little’s dad, one of the Aristocats, and the fat friend from Goof Troop.

Everquest III: The Ivory Crystals of Desperation

In a bold marketing attempt to outdo the wildly addictive World of Warcraft, developers at Sony-Online have skipped the process of developing an actual sequel and opted instead to fill game packages to the brim with crack cocaine.

Tony Hawk’s Project 88

Master wicked tricks and hip-breaking ollies as you struggle to escape Oakwood Retirement Community. But watch out. The world outside is full of steep curbs, revolving doors, and young punks on hover boards.

Pac Man Beginnings

From the creators of Max Payne comes a noir-insipred descent into the tortured soul of America’s most enduring yellow circular thing. When his wife and child are brutally murdered by a gang of dot addicts, Pac vows to go deep undercover to destroy them. After becoming hopelessly addicted to the very dots which fueled his enemies, Pac kills all of them in a violent bloodbath. Unsatisfied, he hunts down the ghosts of the killers again and again, tragically changing him from pac boy…to pac man.