An inquiry into the Bay Area Rapid Transit by the State of California has found that the sounds emitting from a BART train during its normal service route, often thought to resemble the ghoulish metallic shrieks of haunted souls serving an infinite penance, are “definitely supposed to be there.”
Rather than implicate decades of poor maintenance, inadequate quality standards, and a general crumbling of US infrastructure, the report found that the clanging, most resembling the tormented screams of exploited laborers upon whose bones the BART lines were laid, was “not even that loud, if you really think about it. The average rock concert is well over the OSHA threshold as well. And rock concerts are, like, totally bad-ass.” The study went on to say that the BART is equally bad-ass, and questioning its “dangers” is uncalled for. “People often overlook the many perks of riding on the BART. For instance, sitting next to a bag of wet trash secures one’s privacy.”
According to the survey findings, 91% of commuters agree that the flickering lights and continuous bumping of the BART as it hurtles through the dark at 80 mph beneath the San Francisco bay reminds them of the near-death thrills found at many big name theme parks, such as Disney World, Magic Mountain, and Knott’s Berry Farm.
At press time, a BART comptroller was arrested in his connection to an under-the-table purchase of 200 metric tonnes of WD-40.
A study released Wednesday by the UC Berkeley Environmental Science department on the weather patterns of the Israeli desert has drawn heavy criticism from both pro Israel and pro-Palestinian factions on campus. The study, which found that the Negev Desert in southern Israel was “pretty fucking hot”, has sparked outrage on campus.
Leading members of Students for Justice in Palestine labeled the study as “more proof of blatant Zionist propaganda in Western Universities”, while the official Jewish Student Union response called the study “another example of the radical anti-Semitic bias among UC Berkeley faculty.”
“Clearly this rise in temperature is a result of Israeli subterfuge,” a member of SJP told Squelch reporters. “This professor is a Zionist extremist who is abusing his power and funds to push for more settlements in the West Bank, and thus pushing to prolong the apartheid regime occupying Palestine. This study was obviously funded by Benjamin Netanyahu and his Likud allies in their war against the Muslim people,” she added.
Members of the Jewish Student Union shot back, “To imply that settling in the West Bank is a main cause of global warming is ridiculous,” a leading member of Tikvah: Students for Israel told Squelch. “Clearly it is a result of Palestinian subterfuge. This liberal professor is a jihadist extremist who, along with rest of the UC Berkeley faculty, will stop at nothing until a third intifada turns Israel into a Sharia state, and all the Jews are pushed into the sea.”
“Israel has the right to defend itself,” he added.
Both factions are demanding that the professor who authored the study step down from his position immediately, and there are protests planned on Sproul Plaza for the next ten days.
Boy, this production has been a wild ride. We’ve committed some heinous acts in the name of comedy. We forced one of our best friends to take his pants off in a cold basement so we could photoshop a dog licking peanut butter off his balls. Half of the editorial staff has thrown up multiple times in the making of this issue. We might have significantly deteriorated the health and mental well-being of our design editor. Many people would read this and say, “Gee, you guys seem like pretty bad editors.” This is a harsh but, no doubt, fair critique of our unique leadership style. “What do you have to say for yourselves,” you might ask. Our answer:
We had to fuck our way to the top.
Sure, it’s easy to judge from the outside looking in, but you don’t know the kind of fucking shit we’ve had to do to get to where we are now. Do you know how many UC administrators we had to bribe? Do you know how many dicks we had to suck in the Dwinelle men’s bathroom? Do you know how much blow we’ve had to procure for the ASUC? Do you know how many moms we had to fuck to get access to a dollhouse?
No, I guess you don’t. And you may be repulsed or disgusted by what we do (and once again, this is a fair assessment), but we do it out of love — love for comedy, for the magazine, for the staff, for our unborn children (may they live a better life than us), for our nation, and for our readers. In short, we’re not gonna stop fucking our way to the top, and if that means we have to fuck everyone on this goddamn Earth, then so be it.
Tejomay and Simona