Planned Parenthood has announced that it will be opening a cafe adjacent to its clinic in Berkeley. Local Planned Parenthood director Abby Jacobson says she is opening the café in an effort to raise funds for the clinic, since it has been difficult to make ends meet ever since Congress cut funding. The Café will provide free WIFI, ample seating, and an unlimited supply of scrambled eggs.
“We are very poor,” stated Jacobson in a news release. “With recent cuts to federal funding, profits from selling body parts just haven’t been cutting it. That’s why we had to get creative and open this café.”
In anticipation of the opening of the cafe, Planned Parenthood is targeting egg lovers with billboards that simply state, “Eggs, eggs, eggs.” “It is a form of subliminal messaging,” said Jacobson. “When people read the word egg, they will think of an egg, and then they will want to come to Planned Parenthood’s Egg Café.”
Luckily for Jacobson, Berkeley does in fact contain a large contingent of egg-lovers. Robert Johnson, a resident of the area, says that he plans on eating at Planned Parenthood’s Café for every meal. “In the past, I’ve just had to rummage through Planned Parenthood’s garbage and medical waste in order to get my share of eggs. No one makes eggs like Planned Parenthood,” stated Johnson.
When asked whether Planned Parenthood would be serving chicken eggs or some other form of aviary ovum, Abby Jacobson refused to comment. Regardless, she promises that if you come down to Planned Parenthood, you will be served delicious eggs.