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Volume 26, Issue 2:
Bizarro Election

Zeus Resigns Amid Sexual Harassment Allegations

A 2,800-year-long investigation has formally implicated accomplished deity Zeus in a breach of Mount Olympus sexual harassment policies.  Complaints date as far back as 773 BC and involve several men, women, immortals, deer, goats, and children.

The original list of complaints includes a litany of accusations against the God of thunder and Lightning. Some of the shocking claims include the deity transforming into a bull in order to trick Europea into bearing him many sons, transforming into a swan as an easy way to have sex with the mortal Leda, and harassing a woman named Io who refused to sleep with him by having her constantly followed and stung by a gadfly.

Many members of the godly community are also calling for justice.  “Transforming into a non-human creature in order to assault women is a clear violation of both divine and mortal law,”  remarked Hades, lord of the underworld and ruler of the dead, “We demand he be held accountable for his actions.”  

Zeus’ wife Hera denies the accusations in full: “I’ve known Zeus for many years, and as his sister and wife, I should know better than anyone that he would never do such a thingjust ask his mother slash fifth wife.  He’s a really good guy!”

Zeus has since tendered his resignation from being King of the Gods and acknowledged his misconduct in an apology letter he cast down from Mount Olympus. “Although I do not agree completely with the complaints that have been made, I have seen the error of my ways.  I’ve been doing some reflecting amongst the cosmos and have found my true passion in astronomy.  I am the God of thunder and lightning after all!  I don’t know what’s next for me but I’ve always wanted to teach

The Heuristic Squelch Demands Immediate Asylum for Edward Norton

A prominent figure living in exile. A thin, white, stubble-faced hero convinced of his messianic prowess reduced to hiding on a foreign continent. While this is eerily reminiscent of the horrors we fought to vanquish in Nazi Germany’s concentration camps and Soviet Russia’s gulags, this is happening right now to a citizen of these United States. For three long years American acting treasure Edward Norton has been forced to live overseas, but has yet to be convicted of a crime. This is an egregious violation of his rights as a citizen, and stands as an afront to the liberty of all in our nation. While Fight Club may be grossly overrated, this does not mean that Mr. Norton should be condemned by his own government to live in Moscow.

While Mr. Norton has been accused of the heinous act of endangering American security through the release of classified documents, we all know this to be ridiculous. He has been far too busy with non-seditious affairs; just ask Wes Anderson. Although Moonrise Kingdom and the Grand Budapest Hotel may be extremely tedious and saccharine, if you manage to sit through both of them you will be convinced that he could not have had the time nor the mental wherewithal to do something as complex and original as clandestinely leak hundreds of terabytes of sensitive data from the CIA.

President Barack Obama, the Heuristic Squelch calls on you to take immediate executive action and give Mr. Norton safe passage back home. He is an American citizen who deserves the same rights as everyone else in this country, regardless of his stupid punchable face.

President Vladimir Putin, please keep the fragile and valuable resource that is Edward Norton safe from harm. He is not used the cold, as his beard does not grow to adequate length. Furthermore, Mr. Norton tends to get very emotional when drinking hard liquor such as vodka, and he may cry or try to fight passersby. Please, for his safety and for our wellbeing as a nation, do not engage Mr. Norton in these incidents, and instead put him on a plane back to his home in America.

We here at the Squelch are not going to pretend that Birdman was not a pretentious circlejerk or that The Incredible Hulk was not a pathetic attempt to make Mr. Norton an action star, but this in no way legitimizes the deprivation of Mr. Norton’s right to habeas corpus. For the United States to maintain its moral authority abroad and at home, Mr. Norton must be allowed to come back and get a fair trial in regards to his possibly treasonous behavior.

 

The Editorial Board of the Heuristic Squelch

Freshman Plans Masturbation Schedule

Soon after moving into his new dorm in Putnam Hall, college freshman Mike Osborne introduced himself to his two roommates, and let them know exactly when he planned to masturbate.

“I have English R1B from 3:00 to 4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it looks like you both have class till six, so I’ll just be here,” Osborne explained to the other two. When one roommate commented that he was not planning on attending lectures, Osborne immediately tried to convince him otherwise, arguing that college lectures are informative, insightful, and more than worth giving him the time to jerk it.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t have this hour and a half to myself,” Osborne told Squelch reporters. “I had my own room at home, and I’m used to a certain lifestyle. Twice a week won’t be nearly enough as it is.”

Osborne spent the next few seconds looking on in horror as his new roommate crossed the NutriSci 10 lecture off of his printed schedule, then turned to him and said excitedly, “Nice, we’ll have more time to chill in the dorm. I heard this class is a joke.”

“I haven’t jerked off since I got here,” said Osborne. “It’s only been like three days, but I’m already starting to feel it. I don’t know if I can keep this up for long. But I mean, this is college, right? I’m sure I’ll start getting laid soon.”

Frat Bro Leaves Consent Workshop Early to Pick Up Alcohol for Tonight

Brad White, a member of a fraternity on campus, had to leave a university mandated sexual assault awareness workshop early to pick up alcohol for the party his frat was hosting later that night.

“I was having a really enlightening time at the workshop,” White told Squelch reporters on his way out of the building. “Unfortunately, BevMo closes at 8:00, and I need fifteen handles of Vitali, ten boxes of Franzia, eleven jugs of Rossi, and five thirty-racks of Natty Lite.”

The workshop, hosted by the police department and held in White’s fraternity house, stressed the ideals of positive consent and made clear that strict punishments, up to and including a suspension from the Pan-Hellenic Council, would be handed down in case of any misconduct at the parties. The officer giving the talk ended, however, by reminding all the young men to “have a great time.”

“I’m really excited for the party tonight,” White added as he walked from the workshop to his car. “It’s already our third [party] of the semester, and we’re upping the ratio to make sure we’ll have enough girls to keep things interesting.”

Meanwhile, at a nearby co-op, the social manager had to leave her house’s consent workshop early to pick up molly for the Sex Dungeon Day Rave planned for the next day.

Harvard Researchers Invent Urinal You Can Poop In

An interdisciplinary team of Harvard scientists is celebrating today after successfully building the first urinal you can poop in. The research team brought together top faculty from Harvard’s Mechanical Engineering, Cognitive Science, and Anthropology departments to solve what is widely understood as one of the most pressing issues of the 21st century.

The urinal consists of a white porcelain base filled with water, which the user sits upon while defecating. After the bowel movement is complete, the user presses an ingenious, built-in lever to evacuate the bowl. The rear of the urinal resembles a seat backing, and consists of an innovative apparatus for storing water between evacuations. It can be easily mounted to the floor just like a regular urinal, except you can poop in it. According to the team, the current model cannot handle urine—only poop—but the team hopes to address this issue in subsequent models.

UC Administration Apologizes for Bill Maher Speech

This morning, Commencement Chair George Maxler delivered a response to the controversy surrounding Bill Maher’s appointment as commencement speaker.

“We understand and apologize for the turmoil that has resulted from our decision. Bill Maher’s long history of objectionable statements on religion, women, and minorities makes him an unfit candidate to speak at a UC Berkeley graduation ceremony. But, to be honest, we didn’t think anyone graduating in the winter would notice.”

Maxler went on to further apologize, “I don’t really care for the guy myself, but we ran into a bit of a pickle because we’d forgotten all about winter graduation. By the time we went to book someone, Maher was one of the only speakers available.”

On the magnitude of the outrage Bill Maher’s appointment has received, Maxler said, “We were honestly surprised that this hodge-podge of transfer students and quasi-dropout tweakers would give a shit. Frankly, we almost went with Carrot Top but he couldn’t fit all his props behind the podium.”

Maxler concluded by noting how lucky these “stoner fuck-ups” were to even receive diplomas in the first place.

Study Finds that Yes, BART is Supposed to Sound Like That

An inquiry into the Bay Area Rapid Transit by the State of California has found that the sounds emitting from a BART train during its normal service route, often thought to resemble the ghoulish metallic shrieks of haunted souls serving an infinite penance, are “definitely supposed to be there.”

Rather than implicate decades of poor maintenance, inadequate quality standards, and a general crumbling of US infrastructure, the report found that the clanging, most resembling the tormented screams of exploited laborers upon whose bones the BART lines were laid, was “not even that loud, if you really think about it. The average rock concert is well over the OSHA threshold as well. And rock concerts are, like, totally bad-ass.” The study went on to say that the BART is equally bad-ass, and questioning its “dangers” is uncalled for. “People often overlook the many perks of riding on the BART. For instance, sitting next to a bag of wet trash secures one’s privacy.”

According to the survey findings, 91% of commuters agree that the flickering lights and continuous bumping of the BART as it hurtles through the dark at 80 mph beneath the San Francisco bay reminds them of the near-death thrills found at many big name theme parks, such as Disney World, Magic Mountain, and Knott’s Berry Farm.

At press time, a BART comptroller was arrested in his connection to an under-the-table purchase of 200 metric tonnes of WD-40.