Freshman Plans Masturbation Schedule

Soon after moving into his new dorm in Putnam Hall, college freshman Mike Osborne introduced himself to his two roommates, and let them know exactly when he planned to masturbate.

“I have English R1B from 3:00 to 4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and it looks like you both have class till six, so I’ll just be here,” Osborne explained to the other two. When one roommate commented that he was not planning on attending lectures, Osborne immediately tried to convince him otherwise, arguing that college lectures are informative, insightful, and more than worth giving him the time to jerk it.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t have this hour and a half to myself,” Osborne told Squelch reporters. “I had my own room at home, and I’m used to a certain lifestyle. Twice a week won’t be nearly enough as it is.”

Osborne spent the next few seconds looking on in horror as his new roommate crossed the NutriSci 10 lecture off of his printed schedule, then turned to him and said excitedly, “Nice, we’ll have more time to chill in the dorm. I heard this class is a joke.”

“I haven’t jerked off since I got here,” said Osborne. “It’s only been like three days, but I’m already starting to feel it. I don’t know if I can keep this up for long. But I mean, this is college, right? I’m sure I’ll start getting laid soon.”