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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 5- Issue 1

Top Ten Things to do in the Substance-Free-Dorm

September 1, 1994
  1. Your RA.
  2. Pretend you are a narc.
  3. Call (900) numbers.
  4. Telekinesis.
  5. Square dancing.
  6. Snort Dipsticks and run around on a sugar high.
  7. Pet-sitting for police drug sniffing dogs.
  8. Sniffing others’ clothes after they return from Co-op party.
  9. Virtual kegger.
  10. Get high on life!
Volume 5- Issue 1

Top Ten Reasons to Invade Haiti

September 1, 1994
  1. Manifest Destiny.
  2. Find magic voodoo potion for Hillary’s hair.
  3. Clinton itching for Caribbean harem.
  4. To release pent-up frustration from health-care fiasco.
  5. To stave off impending invasion of U.S.
  6. We’re bigger than they are.
  7. Re-assert world dominance through crushing defeat of entire crack 23-member Haitian military.
  8. To insure Republican victory in ’96.
  9. It’s closer than Bosnia.
  10. Need island retreat to keep Gore daughters tan ‘n’ succulent.
Volume 4- Issue 5

Volume 4, Issue 5: Secret Sproul Architecture

March 1, 1994
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Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 4- Issue 5

Top Ten Asian Rock Groups

March 1, 1994
  1. Slantana
  2. Raw Phish
  3. Too Short (you know, the rapper?)
  4. Pearl Harbor Jam
  5. Sushi and the Banshees
  6. Snoop Doggy Dogg-eater
  7. KimCheecago
  8. Rice-Cube
  9. Screaming Bonsais
  10. Toyota the Wet Sprocket
Volume 4- Issue 5

Top Five Reasons Oompa Loompas are Orange

March 1, 1994
  1. Interracial marriages between red and yellow dwarves.
  2. Used to work in Crayola(tm) factory before chocolate factory.
  3. They have ingested too many carrots (usually orally, but not always).
  4. What the hell’s an Oompa Loompa?
  5. They eat goldfishes.