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Volume 9- Issue 2

Volume 9, Issue 2: Apocalypse

December 1, 1999
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Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Totalitarian Restaurants

December 1, 1999
  1. T.G.I.F. (Thank God It's Fascist)

  2. Worker Unit Food Distribution 

    Vestibule

  3. Benito Burger
  4. Che Panisse
  5. Karl’s Jr.
  6. Burger Absolute Monarch
  7. Totalitarian Akbar’s Totalitarian Bar and Grill
  8. Schlotsky’s East Bloc Russian Restaurant
  9. Steve’s North Korean BBQ
  10. Fascist Slice
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten North Vietnamese Pick-up Lines

December 1, 1999
  1. "Here's my Gulf of Tonkin resolution:  Without the approval

  2. "I'll show you a Tet offensive, baby."
  3. “Oh, I thought you said ph+A|…”
  4. “I know something that needs to be airlifted right now…”
  5. “You want me to beat your American ass?”
  6. “Is that a Viet Cong in your trousers? Wait, how can you afford trousers?”
  7. “Hey! Weren’t we in the shit
    together?”
  8. “I know this quiet little place, the natives call it Dien Bien Phu.”
  9. “Happy trail? Baby, I’ve got a Ho Chi Minh Trail.
  10. “I was criticizing myself a few days ago, …”
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Reasons to Marry a Dog

December 1, 1999
  1. Likes chasing pussy as much as you do.

  2. How 'bout all those nipples?
  3. ‘Cause you knocked her up
  4. If you think he’s having an affair, you can lock him in the yard
  5. You can win any argument by rubbing her tummy
  6. Two words: Doggy Style
  7. You have an excuse to sniff spouse’s butt in public
  8. You can wear a t-shirt that says, “I’m not into bestiality but my spouse is”
  9. You already know she’s a bitch
  10. Will lick peanut butter off of anything
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Kafkaesque Beatles Lyrics

December 1, 1999
  1. “The cockroach was Paul”
  2. “Desmond says to Molly, girl, I’m afraid of death”
  3. “I’m sooo hungry, I haven’t eaten a bite”
  4. “And in the end, you die”
  5. “Happiness is a warm hole in the ground”
  6. “No one loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah”
  7. “Why don’t we do it on the medieval torture device?”
  8. “Take these sunken eyes and stay blind”
  9. “I turned into a bug today, oh boy”
  10. “Have you seen the little beavers, burrowing in the dirt?”
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Hackneyed Social Science GSI Phrases

December 1, 1999
  1. Hugest erection this side of Donner Pass, nearly broke my jaw it did.
  2. It’s not the grade that matters, it’s how much you improve.
  3. Yes, you could argue that, but, you’d be wrong!
  4. Mmmm, aren’t we a little deterministic today?
  5. I don’t know, what do you think?
  6. What is Marx trying to say about this subset of civil society?
  7. Why don’t we break up into groups?
  8. Well, it’s like, um… Yeah.
  9. Punctuated equilibrium
  10. Vis-+A!-vis
Volume 9- Issue 2

Top Ten Signs of the Apocalypse

December 1, 1999
  1. Yoshua fights Jesus; wins in twelve rounds by unanimous decision.


  2. Hebrew text of evil
  3. Communal shower in Soda
  4. Three headed griffon emerges from depths of Dwinelle to wreak God’s holy vengeance on Berkeley
  5. Re-release of Francis Ford Coppola’s Apocalypse Now
  6. The Heuristic Squelch does an Apocalypse-themed issue
  7. No line at financial aid office
  8. Ethnic Studies student finds job
  9. Blue Heaven staying in business; not holding a sale
  10. Cal actually wins Big Game