The year 2000 is approaching. And I’ve realized a few things: 1) I need to start looking for a party now if I don’t want to end up at home. 2) I most likely won’t find a party and I’ll be at home. 3) I live a pathetic and miserable life 4) It’s hip to zip. Anyway, if I’m going to end up at home again for New Year’s, I’m going to make the most of it.
So here is my Year 2000 Emergency Backup Plan. I’ve always wanted to hold some sort of record that would make me famous. I could try to be the world’s fastest man, but there’s always the chance that someone will come along later on and break my record. So, that’s why I’m currently not training to be the world’s fastest man. Also, I get tired when I’m running. But if I could be the first person to do something inconceivable in the year 2000, I’d own the record for it for eternity. That’s why I’m planning to be (drum roll, please) the First Man to Wash his Dog in the Year 2000!
Think about it. While everyone is out getting drunk and having a good time, I’ll be the only guy at home washing his dog. I already have it all worked out. At around 11:30 I’ll set up three cameras to capture every angle of the event. People will be able to log on to www.dogwash-2000.com and witness the event. At 11:45 I’ll be grabbing Buster, soon to be known as The First Clean Canine of the Year 2000, and placing him in the tub. I will then put on the official Year 2000 Dog Wash Wet Suit. Between 11:58 and 12:02, I will maintain deep lather with the official Year 2000 Dog Wash Flea/Tick Shampoo. At 12:02 I will rinse and dry Buster with the official Year 2000 Dog Wash Old Fluffy Towel, resulting in my second and third titles as the First Man to Rinse His Dog in the Year 2000 and the First Man To Dry His Dog in the Year 2000. Although I only really care about the dog washing title, I’m mentally and physically prepared to carry all three titles. I recently informed my parents of their future title as the Parents of the First Man to Wash his Dog in the Year 2000. They were so excited they hung up.
Some of my close friends have been inspired by my message. One has plans to be the First Man to Change his Goldfish Water in the Year 2000. Another is trying to be the First Man to Clean the Cat Box in the Year 2000. We should all make the record books, unless some Australians have the same idea and beat us to the record by 18 hours or so. In that case, I think I’ll just have to become the First Man to Cry Himself To Sleep in the Year 2000.