I’m Really Cool in Private

Attractive girl #l: What the hell is Fred all about? He’s such a enigmatic and fascinating character.
Attractive girl #2: I just wish I could talk to him more, after I’m done talking to him and he’s not there anymore.
Attractive girl #1: I just can’t get him out of my mind.
Attractive girl #2: I totally know what you mean. I just wish he had written a manifesto.

I’m really cool in private. It’s just that I have to somehow transfer this coolness to the public sphere. Around people I’m a little slow on my feet and nervous, especially around women whom I’m trying hard to impress. By myself, I’m the funniest motherfucker alive.

When I watch TV I’m the best. I can make all sorts of witty comments that make the people on TV look so stupid. Stupid compared to me. The reason why is, I’m so fucking funny. I’ve seen some other people make fun of TV and it’s not half as good. They just make fun of the commercials, which are easy topics anyway, basically just repeating what the commercials say in a sarcastic voice, as if that somehow made it funny. Needless to say, I have a better time watching TV by myself.

I should be the one writing those TV comedies. I’ve got better stuff than those corporate no-talent hacks. I mean, come on. It’d be easy to write a fucking TV comedy because it’s all tired jokes anyway. I just don’t want to because I value my artistic integrity above all else. Why would I want to lower myself just for material gain? I’d never write in 8 minute increments.

Occasionally, I’ll privy myself to some spontaneous improvisation. I’ll just let loose, and pretend like I’m two people and come up with all sorts of crazy situations. I took an improv class in high school once but it didn’t work out too well. Like I said, I have a hard time speaking in public. But alone, I’m just about the best improviser this side of Drew Carey. I have a plumber meets Batman bit that would have the ladies creaming in their pants. Sometimes, after a long hard day of studying I’ll smoke weed. Then I’ll sit by myself and watch TV around midnight. Barring a physical impediment I’ll probably jerk off later that evening. Man, I’m a lonely guy, but that’s the price you have to pay to be a serious artist. Now that’s comedy.

Man, I really hate women, but at the same time I want to sleep with them. But no deal, ladies. There’s no way I’ll sacrifice my comedic art to base physical passions. I have a higher calling than that.