Campus Activists Protest Animal Testing

Members of the campus organization “Viviphagy for Virulence” staged a rally in protest of animal testing in UC Berkeley laboratories last Friday. The group, known for its advocacy of live meat consumption, acted in response to recent revelations of unnecessary usage of animals in research.

“Frankly, knowing that all these animals are being destroyed for no real reason makes me sick to my stomach,” said VfV member Dana Ullman. “Why are we needlessly wasting these succulent morsels when we could be devouring their tender yet wildly struggling bodies with a nice Bordeaux? Tell me, where’s the reason in testing hairspray on animal eyes when they could be used as a tasty garnish on my fettuccini?”

When reached for comment, Berkeley researcher Donald Glaser expressed some sympathy for the activists’ cause. “Look, I like to eat live animals as much as the next guy. I think we’ve all nibbled on the family dog’s ear or bitten the head off of a vainly squawking chicken at one point or another. But sometimes we’ve just got to make sacrifices in the name of science.” Glaser then stooped to capture a scurrying cockroach, place it in his mouth and chew thoughtfully.

VfV is rumored to be planning further demonstrations against animal testing, including a joint rally with “Cal Man-Goat Lovers” next month.