MERLIN: Oh, you did know already. Right. Well, it will be a privilege to speak with you
HS: Good morning Merlin. It’s truly a privilege to speak with you here today. Your ability to predict the future is unparalleled. I … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Ex-“Glitter Grrrl” No Longer Believes in Faeries
Lisa Carter, a sophomore at Cal who considered herself “a real glitter grrrl,” was shocked to discover last week that “faeries don’t exist.” The fact was brought to her attention by new boyfriend and self-proclaimed realist Jay Tarmac. Tarmac had … Read More
Kiddy Drawing Just A Bunch of Cliches
Critics and art enthusiasts across the country were stunned last week after noticing a drawing by 5-year old Shelly Atkinson, which all agreed was just a collection of kiddy drawing cliches lacking any real artistic insight.
48-year old veteran critic … Read More
Chemistry 3A:
Organic Chemistry, If It Were Run By The de-Cal Program
Five Hours
Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was making a gay porno … Read More
In Love With the Love Bug
Sure, I wasn’t the only kid who grew up with a treasured, worn-out copy of Herbie Rides Again, purchased at exorbitant rates because no one bought videos back then. The local Albertson’s never had a copy of The Love … Read More
Porno Actress Upset by Father’s Porno Viewing
When Herman Garvey rented a pornographic video recently, he got more than he bargained for. Seventeen minutes into the movie, clearly fornicating with a water-cooler delivery man, was his own daughter, Stephanie Garvey, 20. Needless to say, Herman was quite … Read More
Four Friends Is Plenty
I’m sorry we can’t be friends. It’s not you. It’s me. Really. You see, I like you and I think we’d make wonderful friends, but I currently have four friends and four is really plenty. You see I drive a … Read More
Declaring Things Dead Pronounced Dead
One picosecond ago, a Windows text editor became autonomous and immediately pronounced that the concept of declaring things such as ideas, trends, or artistic movements to be “dead” was itself dead. The concept of declaring things as “dead” co-originated with … Read More
Nomenclature Fever Seizes Washington
The recent announcement from U.S. Health an Human Services Secretary Tommy “Tommy” Thompson that fetuses may be classified as “unborn children” has led to a wave of similar reclassifications throughout the administration. Thompson announced this week that elderly citizens will … Read More
Zagat Guide: East Coast
4, 5, or 6, New York City Metropolitan Transportation
Borough Hall GAA Brooklyn, Lex Ave GAA Manhattan, Pelham Bay Park GAA Bronx
Decor: 4 Service: Incomprehensible Cost: $1.50
If you “don’t mind the crowds of people and crowds of rats … Read More
