At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when the … Read More
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”
P&G rep … Read More
America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the … Read More
For those of you nestled snugly in your spacious dormitory rooms with nary another person within three feet of you, food practically dropped on your doorstep, and plentiful free contraceptives and dirty sex talk from your Health Worker, the prospect … Read More
Monologue Performed by Zack Fornaca
_[Zack walks up to counter] _
Zack: Hi. Rape me?
Cashier: One iced coffee coming up. To go?
Zack: Yeah, and absolutely no lube, OK?
Cashier: That’ll be $1.85.
Zack:… Read More
Berkeley’s Zeke Tyler, 22, is about to do the unthinkable: “I’m giving up not having sex for Lent,” Tyler declared Monday to a shocked gathering of friends. “Sex. For forty days and forty nights.”
Friends remain skeptical that the notoriously … Read More
Yes indeedy, circle of girls surrounding my desk, it appears that you have all outscored me on our Math 1B midterm. Some of you are laughing about your too-high score with (also-female) friends, while others of you have modestly glanced … Read More
Jessica Marzan, age 4 1/2, had lost her Mommy, a Walnut Creek Nordstrom’s PA system reported last week. Marzan had spent nearly three minutes following the blue-jeans-clad legs of a woman who she presumed to be her mother. It was … Read More
Edgy teen-flick mainstay Seth Green has signed on for a supporting role for Tristar Pictures’ upcoming film, The Seth Green Story, a biopic chronicling the rise of actor Seth Green. Green will be played by heartthrob Freddie Prinze, Jr., with … Read More
