I used to be one of you, a college student who liked to smoke pot or was considering trying it. I have some important advice. Don’t smoke pot. I don’t want to sound preachy, old and out of touch, but … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Escape Plans
Sometimes, I think of ways to escape my horrible dead-end life. First, I’d fashion a shiv from a piece of a shattered dream. Then, I’d use it to stab an inner demon and make a break for it. I’d have … Read More
You Need to Apply Yourself, Study Finds
Results of a study conducted by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have revealed the need, by you, to apply yourself. As a strong indicator of this need, the study cites recent slacking and an unexpected drop in … Read More
How Do I Get Rid of This Gun?
They say you just can’t get rid of a gun anymore. Used to be, disposing of a gun was easy. But nowadays, it’s all difficult and stuff. To test this theory, I have purchased a gun.
Trial 1: I throw … Read More
Roommate Impersonated on Instant Messenger
Berkeley student Roger Haines fraudulently represented himself as roommate Thomas Marx by writing messages using Marx’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name, sources reported Tuesday. Haines claims that he was merely using his roommate’s computer to print a document, and the … Read More
Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined
After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see … Read More
Scenes From Quentin Tarantino’s 1994 Hit Pulp Fiction
If It Were Rewritten As An Educational Film About Dinosaurs
Vincent: You know what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Jules: What?
Vincent: It’s the little differences. A lotta the same dinosaur shit we got here, they got there, but there they’re a little different.
Jules: Examples?
Vincent: Well, you … Read More
Revenge is Sweet
Kill ’em with Kindness
My mother always told me, “If someone crosses you, don’t for a second let that fucker think he can get away with it.”
Snide Remarks from Passers-by
Him: “Oh, I didn’t realize today was Dress Like a Blind Hooker in … Read More
Best of Berkeley
Best > place to get beaten up
For getting a trampling, the best place to go is the corner of Ashby and Sacramento. Busy enough for easy access yet remote enough for privacy, this bustling neighborhood is home to a … Read More
Top Ten Ways to Solve UC Labor Dispute
- Foreigners!
- Black market GSI’s
- Just look things up in a goddamn
dictionary! - One lecture for all classes
- Webcasts, webcasts, webcasts
- Move over to more self-teaching
system - Russian roulette
- Sticks and stones
- Monkeys with fl ashcards
- Lecturers withdraw to West Bank
