Best of Berkeley

Best > place to get beaten up

For getting a trampling, the best place to go is the corner of Ashby and Sacramento. Busy enough for easy access yet remote enough for privacy, this bustling neighborhood is home to a gorgeous liquor store, where your assailants can easily get drunk on cheap wine, the bottle of which they can then use to clobber you. A big plus: ambulance drivers at the nearby Alta Bates medical center know the route well.

Best > place to enter Berkeley

There is little debate as to the best place to enter Berkeley; the best place to do it is at the Berkeley city limit. “I was trying to enter Berkeley from the sky for a whole day,” comments a fi ctitious person I just made up. “I kept falling down a lot and then someone told me I was already in Berkeley. I was advised to drive to the Oakland city limit and then turn around. I was skeptical at fi rst, but I’ll be darned if I didn’t end up getting beat up.”

Best > place to get burritos on opposite day

For getting doppelganger Mexican food, no restaurant beats La Burrita. Known far and wide for its cardboard-like tortillas and near-edible meats, La Burrita is certainly the best place to not get a burrito when it’s not not not opposite day. Here’s a tip: Try ordering your meal backward, then, when the chef disgorges an antiburrito onto your plate, disassemble it and send the parts back to Canada.

Best > cock

Mine. No, I’m just kidding. Its yours. Psyche! But, seriously, you’re a girl. That’s stupid.

Best > view

Say what you want about the Berkeley Marina or the Oakland hills; for my money the best views are right here on my TV set. From the comfort and convenience of my soft, colorful couch, one can see everything from the Golden Gate Bridge to New York City, depending on whether you’re watching Nash Bridges or NYPD Blue. Plus, if you need a place to crash, look no further-you’re already there.

Best > makeout spot

The most romantic place to be is definitely my ex-girlfriend’s house. There’s nothing quite like seeing the sunset glimmering on the idle Pacific as your manhood gets verbally and psychologically accosted. The brilliant reds and yellows in the sky will remind you both of the burning hatred you still bear for one another, and the cowardice with which you finally ended that stif ling, sucking void of a relationship.