Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined

After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see the overly-defined outlines of each boob!”

“Plus,” Anderson continued, “I rediscovered bunched up tissues. Now I can really ‘water the melons,’ if you know what I mean,” she awkwardly euphemized. “I believe that my padded breasts and the single strap have a unique synergy. Synergy means the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.”

John Crue, Anderson’s current boyfriend, detests the change in her appearance. “She already has pumps, makeup, pushup bras, highlights, colored contacts, painted fingernails, painted toenails, a toe ring, an anklet, four earrings, drawn-in eyebrows, a fake tattoo of a butterfly, a hemp necklace, and now this? I’m dating freaking Telegraph Avenue.”