Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Writer Drunk
This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean … Read More
The Moderate’s Hell or Heaven?
As a political moderate, I have it really tough. I have found that I am often torn between two sides of my personality: my conservative, semi-balding briefcase-toting self, and my unbathed, salad-eating, pot-smoking self. Often times, both sides seem to … Read More
Top Ten Reasons We Won in Iraq
- Silly String funny, not lethal
- Grandma Bush’s homemade lemonade
- Iraq painted fierce looking “X”s on top of all military installations, hoping to scare off U.S. planes
- Three words: R. Lee Ermey
- Human wall actually made out of easily penetrable human
Top Ten Reasons to Donate Your Eggs
- Free porn!
- Being an egg loaner not lucrative enough
- Lower your cholesterol
- So you can experience the joy of being a donor
- You’re an Olympic runner and they’re weighing you down
- Beats being a leg donor
- You’re tired of seeing
Three Kings: Checked Out
Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More
Top Ten Knockoffs of Berkeley Restaurants
- Take-yo-Sushi Biatch
- Crepes-a-Poo-Poo
- Chez P+Anis
- Juice Appeal (but open)
- Mildly Intelligent Alec’s
- Kip’s Underage Caf+A
- Morbidly Obese Slice
- El Burrito
- Frogurt Shark
- Slop Dog
Interview With Ronnie
Heuristic Squelch: Well, we at the Heuristic Squelch would first like to thank you for this grand opportunity to interview you, the 40th President of the United States. We understand you have been a little under the weather lately. However, … Read More
Top Eight Pornographic Oscar-Nominated Films
- About Slit
- Fellate Me if You Can
- My Big Fat Greek Wedding Night
- The Hours and Hours of Sex
- About a Boytoy
- Spirited Lay
- The 12-inch Uncircumcised Pianist
- Gangbangs of New York
Man Dips Penis in Fish Tank, Tells No One
But don’t you tell anybody, okay?… Read More
