- Fudge
- The Presidency of the United States during a time of peril when the country actually needs a president committed to protecting the freedom we cherish instead of pushing aregressive tax structure unheard of since when child labor was considered
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Seven Things You’ll Find While Driving Lost in a Movie
- Michael J. Fox
- Two cults of children, locked in eternal struggle, at the same coffee stand you were at two minutes ago
- Two cults of children who murder people, locked in eternal struggle
- A cult of children that murder people
Foothill Freshman Boils, Preserves Penis in Mason Jar
Upon arriving at the La Loma Dormitory, 18-year-old Freshman Joseph Whittaker learned the terrible secret of all who would dwell within its walls. Explained his RA, “All freshman males in La Loma and Hillside must preserve their penises in a … Read More
Student Unable to Answer Prayers
On Monday, Jesus Escalante filed for a change of login name with the Campus Computing Services, citing email harrassment as the reason for the request.
“My email address is jesus@ uclink.berkeley.edu,” said Escalante, a freshman majoring in mechanical engineering. “In … Read More
An Introduction to Boozes for the New College Man
Welcome to Cal. By this time, thanks to the massive spiritual coming-together of 18 year-olds freed for the first time in a new city and kegs of Natural Ice freed to flow once again from their summer hiatus in retched-beer … Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Kick Someone in the Shins
- You already kicked them in the nads
- Because you’re Jean Claude Van Damme and that’s what you do. You kick. The shins are incidental.
- The shins belong to Hitler
- You haven’t kicked anyone in the shins yet today
- Their shins
Top Ten Subject Lines for Penis Enlargement Spam
- Break her apart and put your person-sized dick on trial for murder
- Require attendants to carry your oxen-sized member on a tarp
- Suck the rest of the blood from your body with your blistering red penis
- Embarass yourself in public
Top Ten Makeshift Hairbrushes
- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even
Miles Davis: Practical Joker
Miles Davis is more than a jazz musician: he is a cultural icon, known even to people who can’t tell bebop from fusion. His mellifluous style and rich spontaneous compositions became the hallmark of his style and attitude. Although he … Read More
Woman Coughs for Attention
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
