- Don’t worry… you’re gonna be
just… f-f-fine! [Sob] - Not many people get to make
TWO wishes. - Don’t worry. We’ll bury it with you
eventually. - Now you won’t have to see your
hamster eventually die - Don’t be
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Least Effective Study Strategies
- Run the book over your naked body
- Write an equal sign, take a shot
- Pull the Fire Alarm of Knowledge
- Scrape ink off books, snort ink
- Watch Billy Madison 12 times
- Take Grampa’s advice to “wisen up” to heart
- Eat
Top Three Responses to “Have You Pledged CalPIRG?”
- Perhaps… perhaps…
- No
- Yes
Women’s Sexuality De-Cal Walked in On
The Women’s Sexuality De-Cal class was deeply embarrassed last weekend when its Mother walked in on them, unaware.
The class, both famed and controversial for its explicit exploration of female sexual topics, was in the middle of a hot and … Read More
Top Ten Worst Ways to Signal to Your Roommate That You’re in the Room Having Sex
- Picture of an eye, a yam, f + four-leaf clover + ing
- Soldering iron on door, a la Home Alone
- Write “Virgin-ville. Population: only you, Dave”
- Bouncer
- Leaving door open
- Message on answering machine
- Elaborate Birds/Bees metaphors
- Write “I am
Top Ten Things a Sorority Girl Would Never Say
- “You write for the Squelch? I won’t
have sex with you.” - “I got an A!”
- “I don’t need to have fat friends to
feel good about myself.” - “Who’s up for a rousing game of
Scattergories?” - “Why, this
Top Five Things Rarely Written by Skywriters
- Help, My Plane Is On Fire! You
See, The Left Aileron Has Failed,
But This Comes As Little Surprise
At It Has Been Sticking Lately. - A/S/L?
- Cindy, If You Love Me, Check This Box
- The Weather Today
Top Ten Saddest Things
- Make-a-Wish Foundation won’t give you that gun
- Making sure Grandma doesn’t look behind her
- Having to tell Bambi about the… incident
- A Pre-schooler sitting in the corner, forever
- Having to tell Santa that you’re Jewish now
- Didn’t know she was
Top Ten Euphemisms for Sex with a Horse
- Doing a Horse
- Making Glue
- Horse Whispering
- Red Bulling
- Getting Neigh’d
- Shafting the Shetland
- Underjockey
- Playing Stud
- Trigger Happy
- Seabiscuitting
Top Ten Jewish Oldies
- Alef, Bet, Vet (It’s Easy as Ahaat,
Shtahyeem, Shahlosh) - Sixteen Candles (Divided By Two)
- Where the Goys Are
- Runaround Jew
- Jailhouse Lox
- I Left My Heart in Warsaw
- You Can’t Always Get What You
Want (For Hanukkah) - Johnny
