Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Least Likely Solutions to World Hunger
- River Nile becomes River Wendy’s Chilli
- Try having 80% of people control 80% of wealth, for a change
- Smoke yourself full
- Eat all the rhinos
- Creating much more innovative
and delicious ways to “control” the pet population - Setting up food
Words From The Top
Spring Fever
There’s a lot about this campus that’s unique. It’s a public institution with a private school pedigree. It’s a collection of bright young Californians surrounded by hepatitis-riddled street people and arrogant, ugly, frigid, self-hating, pretentious, quasi-hippie…
…pseudo-intellectual, bad-driving, sarong-wearing, think-they’re-worldly-and-spiritual-but-actually-just-obnoxious-and-superficial, … Read More
Scientists Disappointed
Biochemical researchers at Dow Chemical have reportedly been disappointed with the results of their recent turtle mutation experiment. The research group had hoped to create feisty six foot tall ninja turtles through the use of chemical waste.
Head researcher Geoff … Read More
The Day after I Graduate
A Voyage into Adulthood
The day after I graduate is a time of rebirth, a time to lock away my childhood-to-young-adult years in the safe deposit box of memory and to open the checking account of adulthood. Here is how that day will go:… Read More
Solving the Problem of Awkwardness
You meet a nice girl at a party; she tells you about her trip to Mexico; you tell her about your parents’ divorce and your father’s eventual cohabitation with Carlos, a Mexican national. You’ve just found yourself in an awkward … Read More
The Diary of Sarah “Lefty Mondale” Spruce
Enemy of the Religious Right
As a proud proponent of morality, heterosexuality, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Virgin Mother, and flossing, it is my duty as a God-fearing American to release for publication this diary. A diary written by a woman so … Read More
George W. Bush: 007
Although our president’s exploits in the Texas Air National Guard are well documented, Mr. Bush has done even more to help the world as a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
(The Briefing)
AGENT: Your mission, Agent Bush, should you … Read More
Top Ten Jewish Oldies
- Alef, Bet, Vet (It’s Easy as Ahaat,
Shtahyeem, Shahlosh) - Sixteen Candles (Divided By Two)
- Where the Goys Are
- Runaround Jew
- Jailhouse Lox
- I Left My Heart in Warsaw
- You Can’t Always Get What You
Want (For Hanukkah) - Johnny
Top Ten Euphemisms for Sex with a Horse
- Doing a Horse
- Making Glue
- Horse Whispering
- Red Bulling
- Getting Neigh’d
- Shafting the Shetland
- Underjockey
- Playing Stud
- Trigger Happy
- Seabiscuitting
