So it’s one of the first days at my new job, and I am still in that precarious, delicate, virginal, stage when the world is full of possibilities and I’m nervous but simply can’t wait for a chance to prove … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Bush’s Ouija Board Again Points to Yes
Officials close to President Bush report that his closest advisor, a mystical Ouija Board, has once again pointed to Yes. This is reportedly the 39th straight time the Ouija Board has pointed to Yes.
“Oh, oh, I think it’s going … Read More
SARS Makes a Comeback
The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
Solving the Problem of Awkwardness
You meet a nice girl at a party; she tells you about her trip to Mexico; you tell her about your parents’ divorce and your father’s eventual cohabitation with Carlos, a Mexican national. You’ve just found yourself in an awkward … Read More
Children’s Book Characters: Where Are They Now?
One of the things I remember most fondly from my youth is the literature of childhood–specifically, the characters that I grew up with, and came to regard as my friends. Well, now I miss my boyhood chums, so, in an … Read More
Top Ten Bumper Stickers of the Future
- My fetus is an honor student at
prenatal academy - Free China, Stop Tibet
- Keep your nanomachines out of
my Uterus! - We’re here, we’re queer, we’re 50% of the US Population
- Stop the Dolphins
- Save the Whale
- US out of Eurochinaustralia
Man Only Mildly Appreciative of Radiohead
Bay Area resident Larry Wilson is to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of angry music fans for expressing a less than glowing opinion of the band Radiohead.
“I don’t know, they’re cool I guess,” stated Wilson, “I’m … Read More
American Studies Majors Beg US to Annex Cancun
American Studies majors from across the country gathered in DC yesterday to argue for the US to “liberate Cancun.”
“With Cancun in the US we could do so much studying,” said Junior Mark Chard, “I can just see myself on … Read More
Forbes Presents: 2003’s Most Ill-conceived Business Ventures
Welsh Speak-n-Spell Finally, Fisher Price has made a toy that can be enjoyed by dirty Welshmen. This new Speak-n-Spell is a great way for Welsh kids and their no doubt illiterate parents to learn the most insane language ever that’s … Read More
→
Recently uncovered and collected by the National Archives are personal journals kept by everyday citizens in the days following September 11, 2001. It is an attempt to preserve for all time these raw, incisive, and emotional accounts of what people … Read More
