Whomever it May Concern:
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I, George Washington Carver, didn’t commit suicide.” Well I did. Life is full of surprises.
I decided to end my life because I foresaw being known as “the Peanut Guy,” … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
George W. Bush: 007
Although our president’s exploits in the Texas Air National Guard are well documented, Mr. Bush has done even more to help the world as a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
(The Briefing)
AGENT: Your mission, Agent Bush, should you … Read More
Lies Parents Tell
Lying to children is fun and easy. Observe the following commonplacelies, and then find a small life to ruin.
Lie: With hard work you can be anything you want to be.
Truth: Try as you might, kid, but you’ll never … Read More
The Day after I Graduate
A Voyage into Adulthood
The day after I graduate is a time of rebirth, a time to lock away my childhood-to-young-adult years in the safe deposit box of memory and to open the checking account of adulthood. Here is how that day will go:… Read More
Scientists Disappointed
Biochemical researchers at Dow Chemical have reportedly been disappointed with the results of their recent turtle mutation experiment. The research group had hoped to create feisty six foot tall ninja turtles through the use of chemical waste.
Head researcher Geoff … Read More
Mentor Remains Alive
The continued life of Stewart Albey, 86, remains a source of huge frustration to his protege, Scott Toler, say sources.
Albey, a retired journalist, continues to live despite using his wit and wisdom to turn around the life of Toler, … Read More
Words From The Top
Spring Fever
There’s a lot about this campus that’s unique. It’s a public institution with a private school pedigree. It’s a collection of bright young Californians surrounded by hepatitis-riddled street people and arrogant, ugly, frigid, self-hating, pretentious, quasi-hippie…
…pseudo-intellectual, bad-driving, sarong-wearing, think-they’re-worldly-and-spiritual-but-actually-just-obnoxious-and-superficial, … Read More
Bush to Fight Terrorism
President George W. Bush has announced that he plans to send American astronauts to “the most biggest planet of them all: the Sun.” This attempted launch, which could occur as soon as 2028, has absorbed consistent criticism from Congressional Democrats, … Read More
Goth Actually Commits Suicide
A community has plunged deep into the despairing nether-regions of its soul today as word spread about the death of seventeen year old Albany resident Ravyn Glyttr, who took her own life yesterday in what police are calling a failed … Read More
Man Only Mildly Appreciative of Radiohead
Bay Area resident Larry Wilson is to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of angry music fans for expressing a less than glowing opinion of the band Radiohead.
“I don’t know, they’re cool I guess,” stated Wilson, “I’m … Read More
