Bay Area resident Larry Wilson is to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of angry music fans for expressing a less than glowing opinion of the band Radiohead.
“I don’t know, they’re cool I guess,” stated Wilson, “I’m … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Ode to Inoffensive Humor
So two men walk into a bar, one guy is Jewish, and the other guy is Palestinian. The Jewish man turns to the Palestinian and offers him a drink. The Palestinian agrees and offers to then buy the Jewish man … Read More
National Stacy Association Blasts Fountains of Wayne
On Monday morning, the National Stacy Association (NSA) released a formal statement denouncing critically lauded pop group Fountains of Wayne for “gross recklessness and utter lack of consideration.”
“As America’s largest lobby of girls named Stacy, we knew we had … Read More
SARS Makes a Comeback
The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
If Everything in Life Were Like Buying Weed
Trying On Shoes
Me: Hey, do you have these in nine and a half? Salesman: Sure, I’ll go get them. But it’ll take about twenty minutes.
Me: What? All you have to do is go back to that little room … Read More
Chronicles of a Seasonal Employee
So it’s one of the first days at my new job, and I am still in that precarious, delicate, virginal, stage when the world is full of possibilities and I’m nervous but simply can’t wait for a chance to prove … Read More
American Studies Majors Beg US to Annex Cancun
American Studies majors from across the country gathered in DC yesterday to argue for the US to “liberate Cancun.”
“With Cancun in the US we could do so much studying,” said Junior Mark Chard, “I can just see myself on … Read More
Bush’s Ouija Board Again Points to Yes
Officials close to President Bush report that his closest advisor, a mystical Ouija Board, has once again pointed to Yes. This is reportedly the 39th straight time the Ouija Board has pointed to Yes.
“Oh, oh, I think it’s going … Read More
Solving the Problem of Awkwardness
You meet a nice girl at a party; she tells you about her trip to Mexico; you tell her about your parents’ divorce and your father’s eventual cohabitation with Carlos, a Mexican national. You’ve just found yourself in an awkward … Read More
Children’s Book Characters: Where Are They Now?
One of the things I remember most fondly from my youth is the literature of childhood–specifically, the characters that I grew up with, and came to regard as my friends. Well, now I miss my boyhood chums, so, in an … Read More
