Oh dear reader, I am about to impart to you another woeful tale – indeed, a tale so full of woe that it would take four hundred two-time lottery-winning puppies made entirely of lucky nickels and therapy just to graduate … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Middle America Continues to Scald Self
Despite repeated warnings from the East and West Coasts, middle America repeatedly grabbed a piping-hot pot of boiling water on the kitchen stove last Thursday.
“Ouch…sizzle…ahhh!” said Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Wyoming, and Texas.
“Ffffft…ooooch!” later added Nebraska, South … Read More
Top Two Breakfast-related Custody Battle Movies
- I Am Toucan Sam
- Creamer vs. Creamer
Words from the Top
Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found … Read More
Great Moments in Super Bowl History
In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in … Read More
We Are Very Angry
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after … Read More
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I knew something had to be done the morning1 the button popped off my jeans2. Shocked and appalled, I realized that I could no longer ignore the cold, hard truth reflected3 in the mirror on the wall4. I was fat5.… Read More
Cosmetic Surgery for Animals
It is apparent that our society is becoming increasingly sexualized. From Lindsay Lohan’s big-ass titties to Donald Rumsfeld’s vagina tightening, male and female sexuality are being pushed to the limits through the wonders of cosmetic surgery. The pressure to look … Read More
Berkeley Bong Ripping Contest Violates Law of Non-contradiction
Last weekend, Berkeley’s most notorious potheads faced off in a battle of lung capacity and “sheer stoner righteousness,” resulting in a logical paradox of G+A|delian proportions.
The paradox arose from the identification of the contest’s apparent winner, David Resinbauch, as … Read More
After-drinking Games
Many people give up and call it a night when the party ends, but what if your pussy doesn’t hurt? What if you need at least another strong belt of scotch to calm the DTs? Well, the fun doesn’t end … Read More
