_Hi WASPs, I’m Daniel Brady. From my name you’re probably guessing that I’m white too, but I’m not. I am an Irish/African-American male who happens to looks like a Native American version of Aladdin. As complicated as this may seem, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Bullshit
Firemen Are Pussies
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that no job I will ever have will provide me with the opportunity to be a hero. It seems a little unfair, then, that just by virtue of being employed in certain … Read More
Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch Surprisingly Mundane
Investigators recently obtained a warrant to search Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in connection with his upcoming child molestation trial. But the investigators were in for a big letdown.
“When I was first put on the task force I was pretty … Read More
Yemen Shufflefoot’s Fantabulous Guide to Fake Name Creation
I am a man of many talents. In fact, “Talents” is my middle name. Or, at least it is whenever I fucking want it to be. You see, I’m gifted in the divine art of making fake names. You may … Read More
Supreme Court Justice League
Most people think that the Supreme Court is just a bunch of old white dudes who sit around reading all day and occasionally get up to have an opinion or aneurysm. This is pretty much true. However, what most people … Read More
Household Hints for Daily Home Use
Problem: Broken Light Bulb
Hint: Get a potato from the kitchen. Cut it in half. Dice the halves. Get three more potatoes and do the same thing. Cook a chopped medium onion and two tablespoons of butter in a two-quart … Read More
Prison Educational System Beacon of Affirmative Action
According to a recent survey, the California Penal System’s reeducation program has the largest minority enrollment across the nation. “We attribute our success to an extensive outreach program,” commented Chino Correctional Facility warden John Sanders. “It’s tough for a lot … Read More
Babies Most at Risk for Depression, Study Says
A recent study on depression demographics by UC Berkeley professor C. H. Diggs has shown conclusively that those aged 0 to 18 months make up the largest segment of America’s depressed.
“It’s rather surprising,” said Diggs, “but it looks like … Read More
Top Ten Ways to Win an Argument
- Never admit you’re wrong, and be immortal
- Use obscure phrases to hoist them by their own petard
- Successfully throw three bean bags through clown’s mouth at Rhetorical Carnival
- Make jazz hands until your opponent
is dazzled - Liberal use of American
Top Ten Signs Your Common Cold Isn’t So Common
- All your leeches are dead
- Your ears are so stopped up it sounds like the doctor keeps saying “cancer”
- Tums cause you to explode
- Your throat is so sore you don’t even want to eat brains anymore
- It’s autographed
- Ebola-ridden
