How many white people does it take to invent the lightbulb?
Just one!
What did one white guy say to the other white guy?
“I got into Yale.”
Why did the white man throw the clock out the window?
Because … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
President Cries in a Corner
President Bush’s feelings were seriously injured this week when his NSA Domestic Surveillance Program intercepted hundreds of libelous emails defaming the president’s character. The majority of the offending letters were found to be circulating through West Wing offices.
“These are … Read More
Top Ten Pornographic Movies Featuring Sex with a Miner
- Squat Claimers
- Silt on My Face
- Two in the Pinkerton
- Mother Loads
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: Uncensored
- The Further Adventures of John Shovel-Cock
- Sluice Boxes, Loose Foxes and Moose Cockses (illegal in US)
- Sluice Boxes and Loose Foxes
Carjackers Rejoice Over “Ghostridin’ the Whip” Trend
The slump is over for car thieves in the Bay Area, who reportedly attribute their sudden success to a new hip-hop trend known to many as “ghostridin’ the whip.” Popularized by E-40’s song “Tell Me When to Go,” the act … Read More
Unemployment Rate Skyrockets
Caving in to pressure from campus activists, UC-Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau announced yesterday that the campus would no longer use sweatshop labor to make its Cal apparel. The resulting wave of layoffs has led to the highest unemployment rate among … Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Wear Pajamas to Class
- Your Cal sweatshirt is dirty
- Because you wear a stylish blouse, miniskirt, and heels to bed every night
- Zipper stuck on onesie
- Your bookie accepts laundry as currency
- Out of tampons
- Show me someone who can get through fifty minutes
Handling the Homeless
Berkeley attracts homeless people like sluts attract Chlamydia, only sluts can treat Chlamydia, while we are left to deal with the itchy discharge that is the homeless. Every homeless man, woman or dog uses some weep-story tragedy to try to … Read More
Murder! in Five Easy Steps
Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone … Read More
Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?
Scenario One:
Using the English Language
Hung-over: When hung-over, complex words like “uhhhhhhnng” are often hard to pronounce. You are light-headed. You feel like you might vomit. You do vomit. You try to tell one of the workers at Jack-in-the-Box … Read More
