Hail and well met, bro! As a young gentleman newly arrived at manhood, thou hast undoubtedly asked thyself, “How may I conduct myself with honor and dignity, all the while consorting with beauteous wenches and smiting mine enemies?” Of course … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Galactic Prank War Escalates
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the Imperial Military Academy’s Chancellor Valorum revealed that the university had fallen victim to an interschool prank rivaling last year’s Great Helmet Gluing. According to the Chancellor’s press release, the school’s Advanced Blasters and … Read More
Cartoonist to Draw Strip About Dog
In an earth-shatteringly original move, aspiring cartoonist Jeff Kline announced today that he intends to create a new comic strip focusing on the adventures of a lovable dog named Spotsworth. “I think “Spotsworth” will be a real breakthrough,” said Kline. … Read More
Emo-bot 2000 Meets the Press
On September 25, 2007, Apple’s much-hyped Emo-Bot 2000 was finally unveiled. In an impressive show of artificial intelligence, the robot-computer hybrid was able to conduct its own Q&A session with Wired magazine.
What are Emo-Bot’s mp3 capabilities?
Emo-Bot is capable … Read More
The Black Death Hits Berkeley
After years of grubbing for funds, UC-Berkeley’s physics department is finally given a grant to build the world’s first functioning time machine. A prototype is built, a list of pre-modern broads to have sex with is written up, and in … Read More
Welcome to your new home!
Ah yes, Hello Mr. and Mrs. Windham, and welcome to your dream home. What a wonderful surprise visit! We’re just applying the finishing touches, you know, sanding some edges, painting some walls, replacing the roof, all easy stuff… If you … Read More
Primary Schools Hit Hard by Extra-Credit Crunch
The unprecedented meltdown in the U.S. sub-prime housing market has rattled Wall Street, sent interest rates soaring, and made the procurement of cheap and easy loans a thing of the past. But the ramifications of the so-called “credit crunch” extend … Read More
Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer
VIRGINIA (DS) – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has recently been seen visiting various parks, zoos, and other relaxing locations with a new best friend. But the 81-year-old’s joy at finding a new chum has been marred by suspicion … Read More
There’s a New Sheriff[s] in Town
Dear Reader:
So it looks like the old editors decided to be pricks and graduate. It turns out that they had done some bullshit loophole thing and “completed their core requirements with a minimum grand point average of 2.0.” Well … Read More
“Hyphy Movement” Meets Hyphy Resistance, Thousands Dead
The infectious spread of a popular Bay Area-based hip-hop genre, known as the Hyphy Movement, escalated to a bloody climax yesterday, as tensions between extremist Pro-Hyphy Reformers and Purist Anti-Hyphy Resistance erupted in brutal combat. Surviving eye witnesses report that … Read More
