Well, another year of avoiding Sproul Plaza and practicing the “don’t fuck with me I’ve got shit to do” stare of death has ended, and since psychologists have proven that reviewing while material is fresh in your mind is the … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Lessons From Abroad
Studying abroad is an experience that sends many eager young students out with a pat on the back into this crazy mixed up world of ours. After a friendly goodbye from Jan at the EAP office and a little teensy … Read More
Luke Filose’s Last Column
I’m about to graduate, I look back at these last four years of college and realize what a fucking loser I’ve been, and how much of a bigger fucking loser I’m going to be in the future. I mean, I’m … Read More
My Night at Alpha Phi
As I stood in the dateroom waiting for my blind date to show up, I began to wonder if everything would go well. It was my first invitational ever, and I was nervous. When she finally walked in the door … Read More
It Angry My
In an incredibly misguided effort to increase our cultural horizons, the Heuristic Squelch has signed up with the International Humor Exchange Program. The following is an article written by a Korean humorist describing his visit to the Berkeley campus. Originally … Read More
Camel’s Visit to Sproul
Author’s Note: Camel is not a person. Camel is a camel. Camel is not a cigarette company. Camel is a camel. If Camel were not a camel, he would not be called Camel. Camel Camel Camel Camel.
Camel came to … Read More
Local Man Subcontracts Cunnilingus
Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired … Read More
Deconstructing Graduation
You might not know it, but graduation is the most enduring secular ritual in the history of the world. Since sooner or later we’re all going to come face to face with the traditions that have developed to mark the … Read More
Stand-up Comedy Eclogue
Male Stand-up: The other night, I was at my girlfriend’s place, and she was putting on make-up for hours – it took her forever to get ready.
Female Stand-up: Don’t you hate it when your boyfriend is drinking beer and … Read More
The American Film Institute’s Top Ten Fisting Movies
- Schindler’s Fist
- The Horse Fisterer
- Fist Fucking Nuns on Acid
- Fister Act 2
- Fisting Miss Daisy
- Nell (Director’s Cut)
- Fisting Private Ryan
- Don’t Tell Mom the Babyfister’s Dead
- Gorillas in the Fist
- Stop or My Mom Will Fist
