As the rest of the country lags behind with such antiquated forms of communications technology as semaphore and non-digital cellular phones, the city of Berkeley is now officially in the Future. This exciting leap forward comes thanks to the high-tech … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
NFL Team Responds to “Heap Big Criticism
Bowing to criticism from Native American advocates, the NFL’s Kansas City Chiefs have announced that they will be changing their name. “For too long we have shamelessly exploited the Native American and his tradition,” said teamspokesman Martin London, “and for … Read More
Dozen Doesn’t Do It
Every day, millions of donut shops, flower boutiques and other purveyors of goods sold in multiples of twelve are plagued with a crippling linguistic inefficiency, tacking on countless wasted seconds to daily transactions. This squandering of time and energy is … Read More
Daily Californian Lets Loose
The Daily Californian took a shit on sophomore Davey Tenitt yesterday afternoon around 4:30. Though the paper has been metaphorically crapping on students for many years this abrupt shift to literal defacation left bystanders stunned. The victim was unable to … Read More
Top Ten Boringest Things in the World
- Barley after blowjob
- Blowjob after sex
- Subtitles on foreign porno
- ‘Walden’ by Henry David Thoreau
- A roller coaster, if you’re dead
- Twins
- Barley
- Any Simpsons episode revolving around Lisa
- The Royal Canadian Mounted Police
- Empty cargo pockets
Top Ten Other Reasons To Pour Some Sugar On Me
- It dulls the pain of cutting off your
own arm - Because I’m D.C. food and I taste
like fucking shit - Molasses isn’t of the maximum
radicalness - It isn’t really “sugar”, it’s co-caine…
and you aren’t “pouring”
it “on me” ,
Top Five Proposed Titles for Lou Bega’s Autobiography
- I am a Horrible Human Being
- I Bega You, Please, Buya My
Next Album - The Hard, Bumpy Ride on the
Coattails of the Swing Revival - It’s Mambo, Motherfucker
- Mambo Jumbo
Top Ten Reasons Your Penis Hangs to the Left
- They can’t _ both _ hang right
- Futile attempt to point out that your shoelace is untied
- Your tendency to use it as a kickstand while lying down
- It’s signaling to change lanes
- The right-hand rule
- Sympathy for lumpen proletariat
Top Ten Reasons Your Penis Hang to the Left
- They can’t both hang right
- Futile attempt to point out your
shoe lace is untied - Your tendency to use it has a kick
stand while lying down - It’s signaling to change lanes
- The right-hand rule
- Sympathy for lumpen proletariat
- Signals
Top Ten Ways Not to Answer the Question “Have Your Bags Been Left Unattended at any Time Since Entering the Airport?”
- “I’m sorry, could you say again? It’s very difficult to concen-trate
while I’m busy not watching
my bags.” - “Have yours, motherfucker?”
- “You’re just an unathletic Filipino
working for minimum wage – are you gonna do about it?” - “I’m not smuggling
