I am a detective who works the mean streets of Berkeley. And on this job, I’ve just about seen it all. Drive-bys, crimes of passion, crimes of capital, battery, rape, drugs, alcohol, assault. So forgive me if I’m cynical when … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
I Think I’m Ready To Be An 8-Bit Videogame Villain
HA HA HA . . .
THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW . . .
THE GIRL IS MINE . . .
AND YOU WILL DIE!!!
How was that, was that convincing? I don’t know, I’m still getting the … Read More
Dear Doris McNulty
I’m Sorry…
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS 1ST FORCE SERVICE SUPPORT GROUP, MARFORPAC BOX 555606 CAMP PENDLETON, CALIFORNIA 92055-5606
November 12, 2000
Dear Doris McNulty,
I would like to sincerely apologize for my despicable behavior October 13th, 1999 on the Price is Right … Read More
Guy Writes Newsflash
Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Heartbreaker Gets Pacemaker
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
Powerpoint Lecture Self-destructs
Economics Professor Clair Brown showed up to class yesterday with the hopes of helping college students learn the fundamentals of the effects of foreign trade on GDP. The presentation supposedly included 35 slides ranging from graphs and charts to bullet … Read More
Top Ten Post-Modern Tricks To Teach Your Dog
- Teaching a modernist dog new tricks
- Eating the bits, but none of the kibbles
- Playing alive
- Catching frisbees while making self-referential wisecracks about how cliche it is to catch frisbees
- Delivering monologues directly to the camera
- Letting its own tail
Top Ten Worst Things About Getting Shit On Your Hand
- Long after you’ve gotten the shit off your hand, you’ll still always remember it as the shitty hand
- You didn’t even have hands in the first place so now the shits on your arm
- Clapping is pretty much a non-option
Top Ten Lies Parents Tell
- All the cool kids shop at T.J. Maxx
- There’s plenty of oxygen in the trunk
- Officer, he fell down the stairs
- This is the only way to take your temperature
- We love both of you equally
- It’s not your fault
Top Ten Traditional Palestinian-Israeli Games
- Trivial Pursuit of Peace
- Tetherisraeli
- RISK
- Hide and Go Sheik
- Gaza strip poker
- Skipping rocks off Israeli police officers
- Capture the flag and then burn it
- Hopscotch over your bleeding classmates
- Arafat-Barak 1-On-1 Half Court Challenge
- Paper, rock, tank
