If you’re like me, you listen to music to escape reality. If I’m feeling depressed, I’ll listen to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebrate.” If I’m feeling lazy, it’s Huey Lewis’ “Sports.” If I haven’t eaten for a few days it’s … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Worst Times to Tackle Someone
- When he’s covered in twelve-inch stainless steel spikes
- When he’s a bear
- When the contractions are thirty seconds apart
- During a duel
- As he’s pulling out
- While he’s laying down a big steamy loaf
- When he’s about to score a
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies
- America’s Cocksucking Sweethearts, John Cusack and Julia Roberts and Especially Billy Crystal
- The Score
- Twat Race
- Shrek Fucks a Donkey
- Muff Hour 2
- The Princess Red Shoe Diaries
- Ass-End The Furious
- Barely Legally Blonde
- Anal Fantasy: The Penis Within
- Pearl
Top Five Reasons Not to Join a Fraternity
- The episode of “Small Wonder” where Jamie wants to join a fraternity but changes his mind after he slips Vicki a roofie but gets his dick tazered when he tries to do her
- The episode of “Happy Days” where Richie
Top Ten Ways to Put On Your Pants
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With robotic assistance because you’re late for work and also George Jetson
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Twice, because you’re a horse
- In your imagination, while wishing someone hadn’t stolen your pants
- With the pockets pulled out, because all the kids in the future wear
Top Ten Reasons Your Head Is Going to Explode
- Head implosion is so 1998
- You’re in space, and although you do have your helmet, it’s useless because you are six years old and made it yourself out of cardboard
- You filled your head with popcorn kernels and then heated
Artificial Conversations
Chatbot: The Squelch interview
We caught up with Chatbot on the promotional website for A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Polite and stylish, Chatbot proved to be a real people person.
Chatbot: Hello, my name is Chatbot. What’s your name?
The Heuristic Squelch:… Read More
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Conversation with Homeless Guy Mildly Unsettling
College students Chuck Chichester and Delilah Wright glanced uneasily at each other Friday as their attempt to engage a homeless man in a friendly verbal exchange developed into a full-blown social interaction which threatened to spiral totally out of their … Read More
