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Breadboxes
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Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
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Club soda
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Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water
- Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
- The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Conversation with Homeless Guy Mildly Unsettling
College students Chuck Chichester and Delilah Wright glanced uneasily at each other Friday as their attempt to engage a homeless man in a friendly verbal exchange developed into a full-blown social interaction which threatened to spiral totally out of their … Read More
Memoirs of a Do-It-Yourself Astronaut
Once, when I was wee, Dad took me to the Museum of Science and Industry. The M of S & I, if you have never had the pleasure, is an institution rich not so much in tradition and wide-eyed wonder … Read More
Top Ten Reasons Your Head Is Going to Explode
- Head implosion is so 1998
- You’re in space, and although you do have your helmet, it’s useless because you are six years old and made it yourself out of cardboard
- You filled your head with popcorn kernels and then heated
Top Ten Ways to Put On Your Pants
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With robotic assistance because you’re late for work and also George Jetson
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Twice, because you’re a horse
- In your imagination, while wishing someone hadn’t stolen your pants
- With the pockets pulled out, because all the kids in the future wear
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies
- America’s Cocksucking Sweethearts, John Cusack and Julia Roberts and Especially Billy Crystal
- The Score
- Twat Race
- Shrek Fucks a Donkey
- Muff Hour 2
- The Princess Red Shoe Diaries
- Ass-End The Furious
- Barely Legally Blonde
- Anal Fantasy: The Penis Within
- Pearl
Top Five Reasons Not to Join a Fraternity
- The episode of “Small Wonder” where Jamie wants to join a fraternity but changes his mind after he slips Vicki a roofie but gets his dick tazered when he tries to do her
- The episode of “Happy Days” where Richie
Top Ten Worst Times to Tackle Someone
- When he’s covered in twelve-inch stainless steel spikes
- When he’s a bear
- When the contractions are thirty seconds apart
- During a duel
- As he’s pulling out
- While he’s laying down a big steamy loaf
- When he’s about to score a