- Jar of sunshine
- Ring of keys, but not those keys
- Two consecutive lifetime supplies of chocolate
- Funyuns
- Chip to wear on your shoulder when you get out
- License plate starter kit
- Cake w/ emory board
- DVD of “Dead Man Walking”
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- Wake up at 5pm and realize you missed it all
- Find a Frisbee and the closest unshaven girl to play with
- Code photo-realistic 3-D sunlight effect in basement of video game company
- Tape the day, and save it for later
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- Wait…yours or mine?
- Coat it with honey to create “Pubic Hair of Bees”
- String tiny violins
- Walk to Casa Zimbabwe, deposit in shower drain
- Put it in a conspicuous place and use it as the basis for a bad pick-up
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- Choking the fire-breathing dragon
- Polishing the helmet
- Rubbing the Franciscan monk’s bald head
- Grooming the one-eyed horse
- Knighting yourself
- Wielding the longsword
- Erecting a steeple for the cathedral
- Buttering the toast around the Round Table
- Draining the moat
- Evacuating the
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- Dee-lite’s “Groove is in the Heart”
- Ben and Jerry’s
- Water
- Music
- Firemen
- Dr. Seuss
- Twix Bars
- Babies
- Sunsets
- The Princess Bride
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- Mini-Disneyland with mini-California Adventure
- It’s a Regulated Market After All
- Pirates of Hollywood Avenue
- Hall of Incompetent Governors from Reagen to Davis
- Sweater Vest Mountain
- Bakersfield Klansmen Jamboree
- The Disney Store
- Japanese Tourist Land
- Dotcom Six-story Drop
- Juan y Pablo’s
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- Only dustbust really dangerous dirt
- Turn off heater, begin sleeping in oven
- Let Grandpa die with dignity
- Only wash car when you have a full load
- Shave balls with disposable razor
- Unplug yourself, if you’re an appliance or robot
- Rapidly
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- Teaching a modernist dog new tricks
- Eating the bits, but none of the kibbles
- Playing alive
- Catching frisbees while making self-referential wisecracks about how cliche it is to catch frisbees
- Delivering monologues directly to the camera
- Letting its own tail
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- Trivial Pursuit of Peace
- Tetherisraeli
- RISK
- Hide and Go Sheik
- Gaza strip poker
- Skipping rocks off Israeli police officers
- Capture the flag and then burn it
- Hopscotch over your bleeding classmates
- Arafat-Barak 1-On-1 Half Court Challenge
- Paper, rock, tank
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- Scare people straight
- Frown
- Stand on the edge of very high objects and yell “I didn’t kill my wife”
- Either get busy livin’, or get busy dyin’
- Appeal
- Behave, get paroled, and then kill again to make up for 25
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