Top Ten Things A Hyperintelligent Cat Would Do If He Got His Paws On An Old Vinyl Record

  1. Try in vain to do anything whatsoever, batting it hopelessly with his tiny paws, while his patronizing human masters fawn over him.
  2. Sell it; buy tuna fish with profits
  3. Break it in half, because he knows karate
  4. Poop on it while reading “Ulysses”
  5. Get wasted on catnip while listening, decide that it’s a piece of shit, and laugh himself silly while ramming his head into a wall over and over
  6. Laugh at all the other hyperintelligent cats, who must content themselves with fleeting radio transmissions.
  7. Listen to it while watching “The Wizard of Oz.” Scoff at less intelligent cats who believe the movie matches up with the record
  8. Utilize superior feline hearing to determine that the sound quality didn’t match that of a CD
  9. Use it to create a chart-topping duet with Paula Abdul
  10. Scratch it up…literally!!!