- Become a slut, then tone it down a bit
- Suck slowly on fingers after giving hand job
- Diet of only bananas and popsicles
- Don’t wear bra, also don’t wear shirt
- Know how to give good blow jobs, but don’t
- Wear
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Proposed Solutions to Housing Crunch
-
“Everyone sleeps at the Chancellor’s House” month
-
Only admitting people between 4’8″ and 5’3″ in order to squeeze them into new quintuple dorm rooms.
- Encouraging male students to masquerade as girls so they can live in sorority houses with
Top Ten Things Seldom Written in Braille
- “Congratulations on your purchase of a Smith & Wesson”
- “Choose Bob’s Driving School!”
- “The Squelch is a sensitive magazine”
- “Welcome to Metropolitan Museum of Art…Sorry!”
- “Your Guide to Sign Language”
- “Do Not Touch”
- “Your Guide to Reading Braille”
- “To properly
Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To
- You would cry too if it happened to you.
- I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
- Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
- In hindsight, freshly cut onions were
Top Ten Comebacks
- “Don’t make me get out of this wheelchair.”
- “I may be drunk, but you’re ugly, and in the morning I’ll be dead of alcohol poisoning.”
- “Aw gee, you’re right.” [jumps off ledge (of Evans)]
- “Well of course it’s small compared
Top Ten Things to Say While Leading a Campus Tour
- “This is where the Squelch writes top ten lists . . . Hey, what are you doing with that notepad? He’s writing down everything we say!” Self-reference is stupid.
- “I cut this glory hole myself.”
- “There goes my ex-girlfriend–On three,
Top Ten Products and Activities in the Futuristic Dystopia Envisioned in the Film “Rollerball”
- Whammerhammers
- Kablammerhammers
- Smackerhammers
- Bonkerhammers
- Hitterbats
- Toastertoasters
- Babymakersex
- Brusherbrushes
- Floaterboats
- Flyerplanes
Top Ten Reasons the Sex We Just Had Was Dirty
-
I wanted to go in, but the placenta wanted to come out
-
Because my mother told me so
- Two people, five hands
- So much dirt was involved
- First condom breaking, fine; fifth condom breaking, weird
- Because you’re not going to
Top Ten Things Porn Stars Do After Work
- The opposite of sex
- Read a romance novel by firelight
- Go home to wife, just snuggle
- Buy Costco drum of mouthwash
- Lather, rinse, repeat
- Husband
- Algebra homework
- Call a real plumber
- Laundry
- Put pants back on
Top Ten Jeopardy Categories
-
Potent Potables
-
Biblical Harlots
- Rhetorical Questions
- Cross-Dressers I’ve Been Fooled By
- Famous First People to Step on Moon
- Ends With Y
- Famous Old Dead Cocksuckers
- Pederasty
- Yes/No Answers
- My Clothes Off (As in, “I’ll take My Clothes Off for eight
